Where I Found My Heart Read Free Page B

not strangers.”
    “But…”
    My mother at a loss for words?
    No way.
    ‘The woman can talk the balls off a brass monkey’ my father would always say. I smiled remembering the look on her face when he said that. Feigned indignity. That was my mothers’ real talent.
    I tried hard to open my eyes.
    “Jeff?”
     
    I sat up straight and felt tears cascade down both cheeks. Sometimes, it’s best not to fall asleep. Sometimes it’s better to watch A Bridge Too Far.
     
     
    Strangely I didn’t cry when my father told me the baby died. I didn’t. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, but it happened and that’s that. I guess I was too numb to feel any more pain. Or I could be in denial, in which case, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me when that realization hit.
    “You will have to allow yourself to mourn Reny.”
    My mother and her infinite wisdom .
    “I think I’ve mourned enough mom. I can’t mourn anymore. Not now.”
    I saw the look that passed between my parents. The ‘she’s in a state of denial’ look. I wasn’t. There was nothing to deny. I lost the two loves of my life. Both ripped away from me leaving me feeling so empty inside; so angry and alone.
    We had a small memorial, no one but us—the immediate family.
    I often wondered why that was the chosen term to describe the people in your life you couldn’t escape. There was nothing immediate about them, no urgency. It was a silly description to give them distinction, some badge, some importance over everyone else.
    ‘There had been enough pain and heartbreak’ my father said and I agreed with him. I think I would have shot myself if I had to go through that again and he sensed it.
    Thank you daddy, I love you.
    The days went by, one blending into the next. I was never one if those people who were good with having guests stay with me. Oh, I’m not a hardass, I really loved it when they first got there—guests that is—but loved it even more when they packed up and left. And this was how I was feeling right now. I wanted to be alone.
    My mother thought I should go home with my father and her, and as much as they both insisted, that wasn’t home anymore. Hadn’t been in some time. I couldn’t go back with them, which caused my mother undue stress. She was practically begging and after desperately trying to get me to change my mind, my father once again ended the discussion.
    “She needs to heal at her own pace Rhonda. Leave her be for now.”
    Again, thank you daddy.
    I was adamant. I refused to leave.
    This is where my life was…had been. I needed to be close to where I was happy once.
    And I was so happy.
    So with a tearful goodbye at the airport—my mother was a mess—I watched my parents go through security and down the corridor to the waiting area. I was dry-eyed. I actually felt sorry for my father.
    I seemed to have spent all my tears. The only ones I had left came when I slept, or tried to sleep. It was odd. I was torn about the notion of sleep. On one hand, I would see us—Dylan and me—together in happy times. And on the other, I would wake to find I was still very much alone.
    If you want to know the ugly truth, I totally lost my faith. What little I had to begin with. How do you love a God who takes away your reason to breathe? How do you love a God who steals the small baby you love so much growing inside your belly? It was my baby. Our baby. Dylan’s and mine. It was all I had left of him and now that was gone too. So God? Fuck that. It’s a myth. Out-and-out bullshit. I was tired of racking my brain trying to discover the reason I was damned. Bone tired.
     

Chapter 6
     
    “Baby.” I felt the tips of his fingers as they worked their way up my sides and I relaxed and leaned back into him.
    “Yes.” I was out of breath. I was always out of breath when he touched me; this man, my reason for living. Everything about him was frigging magical. At one time, I was actually afraid the ‘magic’ would fade