Where I Found My Heart Read Free Page A

looking’ grieving woman. Finding myself trapped in what they assumed were comforting hugs. They weren’t. However, they kept me on my feet. Without them, I probably would have slithered down to the floor like a sack. It was like an endless line of people wanting to tell me how sorry they were. ‘We’re here for you if you need us’, and ‘I’ll pray for you.’
    You know what? Don’t pray for me. Please don’t fucking pray for me. I don’t want your pity. I want my life back like it was before…
    I sat up in bed and for the bizillionth time since Dylan’s death, I screamed, cursed and cried until I was exhausted enough to fall back asleep…
     
     

Chapter 5
     
    I woke up sometime later on the couch my coat pulled over my shoulders. The half-eaten frozen dish and the fork sat on the table. A new western had come on and I lay there with my eyes half open watching. I dosed off again.
    That’s exactly where I found myself the next morning.
    I got up threw the dish in the trash, the fork clanked as I tossed it into the stainless steel sink and I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
    “At least I have coffee.” I said to myself, “and creamer.”
    I took my cup of hot coffee into the living room and sat on the same spot I slept on last night. Flipped through a magazine I’d found in my mailbox. All the pretty faces and happy smiles made me feel like I was a failure. I tossed it on the table and picked up the remote.
    “Let’s see what you have for me today.”
    I went through the channels, Bridges of Madison County – um no. Twilight – yeah right. A Bridge Too Far – I can deal with that one. I leaned back and looked straight ahead, seeing men dressed in army green laying down explosives while an army marched towards them. I closed my eyes and slowly fell asleep.
     
    “Reny. Can you hear me? You need to stay awake.”
    “My baby.”
    “We’re doing everything we can, you need to help us. You need to push Reny.”
    “Nooooo. It’s too soon. It’s too soon.” I was breathing heavy. Getting dizzy with the effort.
    “The baby’s heart rate is dropping.” The faceless man turned to the outline of a woman, “Get her to op one Stat.”
    “Noooo. Please no. It’s too soon.”
    I felt a rip in my body, like I was being torn in two. I screamed from the pain, and tried so hard to stay alert, but I was fading. My body gave into a tremor, shaking me to the core. My mind was traveling the speed of light—visions of faces, smiles, gentle touches—until I was lost.
    “She’s convulsing, we need to stop the bleeding.”
    “Her BP is dropping.”
    “Reny. Hold on Reny. We need you. Your baby needs you.”
    “Don’t let my baby die. Don’t…”
    All I remember then is the cloud that covered me like a thick blanket, making it difficult to hear or see anything. It was like I was walking in a deep fog, lost, alone. I could feel something tugging at me, pulling me away. I wanted to go, but I knew I needed to stay. I needed to stay for my baby. He would need me. I was so cold I could feel my teeth chattering. The glare of lights over me was strong enough to pierce the cloud and my eyelids, but I still couldn’t see. I was floating now, trying to find something to hold onto.
    It was noisy. Many sounds were bouncing off of the cloud. Beeping. Talking. Hushed tones. Then nothing. It went from movement to nothingness. It was completely silent. I wasn’t in any pain, but I did felt empty. Hollow. Like someone carved a big hole in my body and left it open. I could feel the coldness settle inside me, inside the big hole.
    “Jeff, I can’t tell her. I can’t tell her.” Her sobs soft and steady.
    I knew that voice. It was my mother.
    “Rhonda, you need to stay right there.”
    “Jeff.”
    “Rhonda. Reny needs you.” It sounded like a command.
    I tried to open my eyes but it was as if someone glued them shut.
    “She’s waking up. Call the nurse.”
    “No Rhonda. Don’t. She needs her family,