He Comes Next Read Free

an option. That behavior leads to a vicious cycle of resentment, recrimination, and anger—not the makings of great sex. Your pleasure is vital to his pleasure. It’s not about what you do to him; it’s about what you do with him.
    The sex you give is only as good as the sex you get. In that sense, He Comes Next is as much about your enjoyment of sex as it is about his. Always remember that the sexiest thing that a woman can do for a man (and herself) is to enjoy honestly and fully.
    Feminists of the 1960s and 1970s fought hard to reclaim a woman’s right to sexual pleasure and make feminism synonymous with sexual freedom and equality. Fortunately, many of today’s women were born into the spirit of sexual entitlement and have never known it any other way. Their struggle is not for the right to be sexual, but rather how to use it. Today’s woman has choices, but what she does with them is another matter.
    Meanwhile, today’s man is waiting for answers. Faced with independent, sexually liberated women, masculinity is in a state of flux and up for grabs, as it were, which is why the double-punch of porn and Viagra is so persuasive—and dangerous. Says Dr. Derek C. Polonsky, a clinical psychiatrist and sex therapist at Harvard Medical School, “The script that many men follow is one that is tailor-made for increasing anxiety and isolation…. it is often based on the unrealistic portrayal of sexuality in movies, where there is a seamless progression through intensifying states of sexual arousal and breathless nonverbal passion, usually with the male directing the pace and at all times knowing exactly what will please his partner.” But the good news is that now, more than ever, sex-scripts (the ways in which we make love) are ripe for revision, and that’s why women must seize the opportunity to turn attitude into action. It’s your turn to lead.
    In the very first episode of Sex and the City , Carrie ruminates on whether, in an age when women often enjoy the same income, power, and success as men, they can also enjoy having sex like a man? While my knee-jerk response is yes, on second thought, I believe that today’s woman can do better. Rather than having sex like a man, she can teach her man how to have sex like a woman: how to make it more sensual, more intimate, more open and connected, and, ultimately, more pleasure focused for both men and women than merely ejaculation focused. One question I often ask my female patients is this: If you don’t orgasm, is the sex still enjoyable? Almost all of them say yes, often citing intimacy and affection as their principal reasons for wanting sex. Now, men can and do enjoy affection as well. But for them, the orgasm and the sex are virtually one and the same. (This has its roots in biology, as they seek to spread their seed.) Men are generally goal-oriented, whereas women enjoy all the various parts of the experience, even if they don’t “get off” per se. It’s time to show men how to separate the sensual experience of sex from the one-shot goal of orgasm. That’s the path to real pleasure: not a single technique, but an approach to sexual contentment that inspires men to reach new levels of excitement, awareness, and intimacy.
    In the preface, I spoke of the Woman on the Shaky Bridge as a poetic ideal. But, in reality, our sex lives are often far from perfect. That’s why I keep a framed photo of the Capilano Canyon Suspension Bridge on my desk—not only to show my patients, but also to remind myself, as a man and as a husband, that I have to be willing to venture across that bridge too if I want to find the exciting woman at its center. It’s all about meeting each other halfway and taking the journey together, one in which we never stop growing.
     
    Pop Quiz
     
    Feel free to read He Comes Next in whatever manner you find comfortable. However, if you’re inclined to skip Part I and go straight to the techniques in Part II, then I ask you first to consider a