few simple questions.
What’s the best sex toy money can’t buy?
Name the three types of erections all men experience?
Is your guy faking it? That’s right— faking it . How do you know for sure?
How can a properly administered pelvic massage actually help to lengthen your partner’s penis?
If, as the poet Ogden Nash wrote, “candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker,” what are the brain’s natural sex-stimulants, and how do you get them flowing?
What’s the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, and are the two inextricably linked?
Do you know the difference between a “local” orgasm and a “global” one and how to stimulate the latter?
If you’re unsure about any of these important questions, then, in the spirit of She Comes First , think about postponing your immediate gratification and read He Comes Next from start to finish.
Postscript
When I got back to New York from my national book tour, I had almost forgotten about Charlie (the George Clooney “womanizer”). So, when I ran into him at the coffee machine and, on cue, he said, “Doc, last night I had the most amazing sex. She was incredible . Can I just tell you…,” to his amazement, I said yes and dragged him into my office to get the 411.
The first thing I learned about Charlie’s sex life was that all the various women he’d gone on and on about were, in fact, one woman: his wife of nine years and the mother of their two children, with a third on the way.
Charlie never stopped being in love with his wife, and the sex, to this day, remains fantastic.
Want to know his secret?
I’ll tell you.
But first…
Dear Ian
Dear Ian,
Doesn’t being a sex therapist take some of the awe and joy out of sex for you? After all, sex is more than just mechanics and positions (Insert A into B and twist until secure)—it’s an expression of love. And isn’t love ultimately mysterious and unknowable?
—Latitia, twenty-eight, advertising production manager
W HAT A GREAT QUESTION to help me frame my preliminary thoughts on male sexuality. The more I learn about the nature of love and its expression through sexual intimacy, the more I am in awe of it. But sometimes I think we use the concept “love is a mystery” to avoid responsibility for the hard work true intimacy entails. We live in a culture in dire need of sexual education. Despite or, perhaps, in accord with our country’s prurient, almost pubescent fascination with the “look” and “fashion” of sex, we remain sadly sophomoric in flesh-bound pleasure-training.
The number two reason for divorce in this country, after financial conflict, is sexual dissatisfaction, and a crucial part of the problem is lack of communication and poor information. When it comes to talking about sex with a partner, breaking the ice is like breaking an iceberg, and all of us know what happened to the Titanic.
To give you a sense of my clinical philosophy, let me briefly explain how I approach a new patient or couple. Sex therapy generally follows a model called PL-I-SS-IT, which stands for permission, limited information, specific suggestions, and intensive therapy. First, a patient needs permission to confront an issue openly and safely with a therapist or counselor. Second, they need accurate information —ranging from physiological facts to psychological reactions—to tackle their problems. Next, they need specific suggestions to get them back on the road to sexual health. In some circumstances, they may also need intensive therapy , though most of the time the first three steps will do the trick.
I’ve adapted the Pl-I-SS-IT model to accommodate my own working version, which I call the “See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me” approach to counseling. (Yes, I listened to The Who a lot growing up.) For counseling to succeed, a patient must, first and foremost, be seen. This is important when you consider how many people are leading lives of quiet desperation
What’s the best sex toy money can’t buy?
Name the three types of erections all men experience?
Is your guy faking it? That’s right— faking it . How do you know for sure?
How can a properly administered pelvic massage actually help to lengthen your partner’s penis?
If, as the poet Ogden Nash wrote, “candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker,” what are the brain’s natural sex-stimulants, and how do you get them flowing?
What’s the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, and are the two inextricably linked?
Do you know the difference between a “local” orgasm and a “global” one and how to stimulate the latter?
If you’re unsure about any of these important questions, then, in the spirit of She Comes First , think about postponing your immediate gratification and read He Comes Next from start to finish.
Postscript
When I got back to New York from my national book tour, I had almost forgotten about Charlie (the George Clooney “womanizer”). So, when I ran into him at the coffee machine and, on cue, he said, “Doc, last night I had the most amazing sex. She was incredible . Can I just tell you…,” to his amazement, I said yes and dragged him into my office to get the 411.
The first thing I learned about Charlie’s sex life was that all the various women he’d gone on and on about were, in fact, one woman: his wife of nine years and the mother of their two children, with a third on the way.
Charlie never stopped being in love with his wife, and the sex, to this day, remains fantastic.
Want to know his secret?
I’ll tell you.
But first…
Dear Ian
Dear Ian,
Doesn’t being a sex therapist take some of the awe and joy out of sex for you? After all, sex is more than just mechanics and positions (Insert A into B and twist until secure)—it’s an expression of love. And isn’t love ultimately mysterious and unknowable?
—Latitia, twenty-eight, advertising production manager
W HAT A GREAT QUESTION to help me frame my preliminary thoughts on male sexuality. The more I learn about the nature of love and its expression through sexual intimacy, the more I am in awe of it. But sometimes I think we use the concept “love is a mystery” to avoid responsibility for the hard work true intimacy entails. We live in a culture in dire need of sexual education. Despite or, perhaps, in accord with our country’s prurient, almost pubescent fascination with the “look” and “fashion” of sex, we remain sadly sophomoric in flesh-bound pleasure-training.
The number two reason for divorce in this country, after financial conflict, is sexual dissatisfaction, and a crucial part of the problem is lack of communication and poor information. When it comes to talking about sex with a partner, breaking the ice is like breaking an iceberg, and all of us know what happened to the Titanic.
To give you a sense of my clinical philosophy, let me briefly explain how I approach a new patient or couple. Sex therapy generally follows a model called PL-I-SS-IT, which stands for permission, limited information, specific suggestions, and intensive therapy. First, a patient needs permission to confront an issue openly and safely with a therapist or counselor. Second, they need accurate information —ranging from physiological facts to psychological reactions—to tackle their problems. Next, they need specific suggestions to get them back on the road to sexual health. In some circumstances, they may also need intensive therapy , though most of the time the first three steps will do the trick.
I’ve adapted the Pl-I-SS-IT model to accommodate my own working version, which I call the “See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me” approach to counseling. (Yes, I listened to The Who a lot growing up.) For counseling to succeed, a patient must, first and foremost, be seen. This is important when you consider how many people are leading lives of quiet desperation
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