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when it comes to personal relationships. Next, that individual must be felt. Their emotional turmoil must be communicated effectively and experienced by their partner. The third, and touchy, part takes the form of sex and intimacy assignments that are done at home and then discussed in subsequent sessions. All of this must occur before a person can even begin the process of healing. So, to answer my reader’s question, love is indeed mysterious. Sexual ignorance, however, is not. It’s a function of laziness, prejudice, and fear. The more we learn about sex, the more there is to appreciate, understand, and savor.
    Hey, just because we hit an iceberg doesn’t mean we have to go down with the ship!

PART ONE
     

The Male Body

1

Beneath His Armor:
Inside the Male Body
     
    S EX HAS A LANGUAGE all its own. You know that old saying, “Sometimes the best defense is a great offense?” Well, it just doesn’t cut it. When we talk about sex, sometimes the best defense is, in fact, no defense at all.
    Picture this: A guy gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and slowly winds his way through a dark room cluttered with furniture. One hand is out in front of him as he gropes for the bathroom door and light switch, but what do you think the other hand is doing?
    Protecting his genitals.
    Sounds obvious, right? Men protect their privates. And why shouldn’t we? After all, nobody wants the family jewels getting chipped.
    But what if I told you that this idea of self-protection goes far beyond a simple reflex and is, rather, the key to fathoming the inner recesses and dark corners of male sexuality?
    Allow me to elaborate. Men’s genitals grow outward. From an early age on, boys intuitively protect them. But over time, this instinctive desire to protect manifests itself as a permanent sense of inwardness, a physical “pulling in” that ultimately extends to the entire pelvic area. (If you don’t believe me, the next time you’re on a dance floor, take a look at the guys around you. They’re all arms and legs, as if they’re doing the “Dance of the Missing Middle.” No wonder Elvis was anointed king.)
    Over the years, I’ve talked to countless physical therapists, chiropractors, as well as dance and yoga instructors, all of whom concur that the adult male pelvis is frequently in a state of tension. All of these professionals, in one way or another, work with guys to help them “open up”—sometimes to help manage back pain, sometimes in the course of facilitating recovery from an injury, and other times just to get them through that first dance at their wedding reception without looking like Frankenstein.
    As a sex therapist, my first goal is to help you open up his pelvis, so he can experience sex in a way that’s less inhibited and more sensual and exciting.
    But this sense of pulling in is more than just physical. Men are shrouded in layers of protection—physical, emotional, psychological—that find a nexus in the pelvis, but permeate throughout the body and mind. In this sense, every man is a knight in shining—or not-so-shining—armor.
    Now I know what you’re thinking: Hold on a minute. Protection? Please! I’m the one that could use some protecting—every time he pushes my head down and expects me to open wide and say, “Ahhhh.”
    But that’s exactly what I’m talking about. For most men, sex begins and ends with the penis and rarely extends beyond it. From a fear of having his testicles rough-housed to sensitivity around the perineum (the area between the testicles and anus that is rife with nerve endings and shields the male G-spot) to a nobody-touches-me-down-there attitude about his butt, the male sex experience is one that’s controlled, circumscribed, and the living embodiment of uptight.
    Some of these protections are physiological and involuntary—like the “cremaster reflex,” which is triggered when you touch his inner thigh. The testicles literally pull up and in. But