Howl Read Free

she’s been eating.
    It isn’t that your mother isn’t beautiful. It isn’t that you don’t respect your dog for his essential doggishness. It is rather that the world is so oversaturated with phenomena that it is sometimes difficult to keep the most disparate things apart, let alone two things that, on a very foggy day, might actually resemble each other. The more information in your brain, the less at your fingertips; indeed, as a result of information overload, facts that were once at your fingertips can retreat into your person, whereupon they become lodged in your elbows.
    Fortunately, help is available on the mother versus dog front. But before you can articulate the differences between the two entities, you must first articulate the similarities, so as to establish the playing field. To wit:
    Similarities
    • have proprietary attitude toward garbage and its disposal
    • are responsible for the proliferation of small oval area rugs
    • are sometimes asked to stay indoors due to inability to mix well with others
    • are uncomfortable with the concept of a Kawasaki Vulcan
    • are unable to pivot—must bodily complete large circle in order to turn fully
    • would relish the opportunity to have all the living room walls painted bone

    Startling, no?
    But fear not. The differences should set things right.
    Differences
----
MOM
DOG
Is interested in portion control
Is not interested in portion control
Does not like to spend a lot of time in time in the basement, lying on the cool cement floor
Likes to spend a lot of the basement, lying on the cool cement floor
Is no stranger to emotional blackmail
Is no stranger to public cleaning of own genitals
Has a food-preparation disorder
Has a greeting disorder
Wonders if her new dress makes her look fat
Wonders why Saran Wrap exists
Wonders if, when you meet TV anchormen, their makeup is distracting
Wonders if, when licking TV anchormen, their makeup is like butter or frosting
Would like to buy the new holiday album from that Betty Midler, who looks like
such fun
Would be willing to lick Bette
Likes to impart guilt
Likes to lick any spots on a kitchen surface in an effort to find a food source
----

    In conclusion, though the similarities between your mother and your dog are considerable, there are enough differences to keep you from embarrassing yourself. For instance, while both these individuals like to be petted, I can report with a certain amount of authority that your mother prefers that any such ministrations steer clear of her lower belly.
    However, for some people, confusion between these two entities may still exist. If you notice that the object of this confusion is staring at you ominously on May 15, and seems to be filled with intense expectation about how you might be making her life a little more wonderful, then wait a week. If, after a week’s time, you’re still getting these looks, then the individual in question is probably your dog: Mother’s Day comes but once a year, but a dog’s day is every day.

Two Pooch or Not to Pooch?
    [Jon Bowen]
    ONE YEAR AGO after three years of cordial cohabitation with our yellow Labrador, my wife and I disappointed our mothers again—our grandmothers-in-waiting—by forgoing the baby option in favor of bringing home a little brother for our pooch. This first year of living with two dogs has been, essentially, an exercise in chaos control.
    Having survived, however, I now offer these words of counsel to the single-dog family contemplating an addition, from one who lived to tell.
    The road that leads to your second dog purchase is paved with great myths—falsehoods perpetuated by animal behaviorists and obedience school Führers—and they should be faced and debunked before you enter the state of pandemonium that is two-dog life.
    Myth 1
    Your older dog will serve as a role model for the younger dog and teach him, by adult-like example, to abandon his puppy ways in favor of more mature canine behavior.
Nope. Your older