Here's the Situation Read Free

Situational Government, lobby Congress to expand the tax-advantaged Flexible Spending Account program to include tanning. The way I see it, it’s the least I can do for my fellow Americans.

Proper Ab Display
    Now that you’ve hit the gym hard and got just the right amount of color, your six-pack is in top form and it’s time to show it off. There’s no reason to keep those abs all to yourself. That’s just selfish, bro. Share them with the world. On the next page is a chart that will give you a sense of the appropriate height to tug up your shirt for a variety of common occasions:
    SITCH AB FACT: Few know that I possess an extremely rare s eventh ab— more rare than the albino elephant. So rare, in fact, that the show’s producers worried its careless display might intimidate the audience, possibly causing spontaneous seizures. Therefore, each episode it must be hidden inside what has come to be known as “Snooki’s poof.”

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    LAUNDRY (aka Personal Style)
    T he L in GTL is what’s known as the Laundry Factor. But don’t be confused. I’m not talking about simply washing and ironing your clothes or making routine trips to the dry cleaner’s. (Although that’s pretty freakin’ important.) The Laundry Factor pertains primarily to how you assemble your outfits so that you look fresh for all occasions.
    Once you’ve buffed out your body to maximum fitness in the gym, then brought out the shine in the tanning salon, you can’t be draping baggy, faded clothes all over it. Wearing stylish, clean, and pressed attire is critical. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you creep good.

As Per Fitted T-shirts
    Ninety percent of the time I roll into a club, I’m wearing a T-shirt. But we’re not talking about a Hanes Beefy-T. We’re talking about a silky-thin, fitted, designer number, ideally with metallic embellishments and embedded jewelry. It’s like a knight putting on his armor, or a Delta Force commando pulling on his battle rattle.
    For years the fine people at Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Christian Audigier have been outfitting me and my fellow hard-core creepers with sick T-shirts. But now you can take your shirt situation up to The Situation’s situation with my own clothing line by Dilligaf. It’s sick, bro.
    Note that some cutting-edge shirts today include a necklace integrated into the garment itself. If you think this means you don’t have to wear a separate, standalone necklace, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Ask The Sitch
    Purchasing the two halves of a track suit together, and in identical shades of the same color, is always recommended. But, for those rare occasions when the situation calls for a mix-and-match, here is a quick color-matching guide for pairing your up with your down:
    Q: DOES NAVY BLUE GO WITH BLACK?
    A: Never.
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    Q: CAN I ROCK A WHITE TOP WITH BLUE BOTTOMS?
    A: Yes. But not the reverse.
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    Q: DOES VELOUR PAIR WITH NYLON?
    A: Does a Fontodi Chianti Classico 2001 pair with a six-piece McNuggets? If you still don’t know, the answer is no.
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    Q: TWO SHADES OF RED?
    A: Depends. To be safe, be sure the darker shade is represented in the pants. And if by “shade of red” you mean pink, then the answer is no, no, no.
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    Q: HOW ABOUT KELLY GREEN AND . . .
    A: Stop right there. Seriously, bro?

    Fashion Fact. Most people make the assumption that I wear trendy shades the majority of the time (often indoors) to protect my eyes from the elements. But in fact it’s the reverse. I’m protecting the elements from the brilliance of my eyes.

The Mathematics of Looking Fresh
    People are always asking, “Sitch, how do you look so damn good in a deep-V T-shirt?” It’s simple. I always apply the ancient geometric principle known as the Golden Ratio. Look, if you want to crush it like The Sitch, you can’t phone it in, bro. You gotta do the work. When