Dumb Clucks Read Free

at all.”
    â€œSit down, Bernie,” the Headmaster said. He pointed to a little chair in front of his little desk.
    I lowered myself into it. My knees hit my lips!
    â€œSir, I didn’t make those dog barking sounds during the Morning Announcements yesterday,” I said. “I know it sounded like me. But it wasn’t.”
    Upchuck rubbed his bald head till it was as shiny as a bowling ball. “Bernie, you’re not in trouble,” he said.
    â€œOf course not, sir,” I said. “I try to be a perfect student.”
    â€œIn fact, I have a very big job for you,” he said.
    Uh-oh.
    Now I KNEW I was in major trouble!

Chapter 6
U PCHUCK D OES A H APPY D ANCE
    â€œA job, sir?” I said. “Well, if you’d like me to take over the Headmaster job for a day or two, I’m sure I could do it. But we’d miss you, sir. We’d miss you a lot!”
    He rubbed his head till it glowed like a lightbulb. “No, Bernie. That’s not the job,” he said. “I’m naming you head of the Parents’ Day Committee.”
    I swallowed my gum.
    â€œWh-who else is on the committee?” I stammered.
    â€œNobody,” Upchuck said. “I’m putting you in charge because you’re the biggest troublemaker on campus.”
    I could feel myself blushing. “You’re too kind, sir.”
    A grin spread over The Upchuck’s shiny face. “See, Bernie? This is your last chance. If you fail at this job, I will pack your bags for you.”
    â€œPack my bags, sir?”
    â€œYes. And I’ll do cartwheels across the Great Lawn,” he said. “Because I’ll be sending you home for good.
    Â 
    â€œYAAAAAAAY!”
    Â 
    He hopped onto his desk and did a wild dance.
    â€œHel-lo! Fail at this job?” I cried. “I don’t think so. I don’t know the meaning of the word fail .”
    He stopped dancing. “Don’t spoil my fun,” he muttered.
    â€œSir, what exactly is my job?” I asked.
    He dropped back into his doll chair. “Your job is to make sure everything stays calm and quiet at this school for Parents’ Day. If anything goes wrong— anything at all…”
    â€œSir, how could anything go wrong?” I said. “My middle name is Calm and Quiet. I’ll make you proud, sir. Proud you named me chairman.”

    â€œBernie, shut up,” Upchuck said.
    â€œOkay, sir. You got it!” I flashed him a two-finger salute.
    The Headmaster handed me a big shopping bag. “Bernie, these are the Parents’ Day invitations for the parents,” he said. “Angel Goodeboy works in my office three days a week. He already addressed all these invitations.”
    â€œGoodeboy is a good boy!” I said.
    â€œI want you to mail them to the parents,” Upchuck continued.
    â€œNo prob, sir,” I said. “I’ll get Belzer right on that.”
    â€œThere’s more to this job,” The Upchuck said. “I think you’ll like this part, Bernie. I need you to raise a lot of money. We need the best snacks and refreshments money can buy.”
    â€œFor me , sir?” I said. “Oh no. You don’t have to pay me with snacks. I’m happy to do my duty and serve my school and—”
    â€œShut up, Bernie,” Upchuck said.
    I gave him another salute.
    â€œYou need to raise money to put out fabulous foodfor the parents. I really want to impress them.”
    I nodded. “And we should dress all the kids right to make it a very special day. Every single student should wear a Tweenage Mutant Ninja Tadpoles shirt—right, sir? I just happen to have a few…”
    Upchuck jumped to his feet. “Time for you to beat it,” he said.
    He walked me to the door. I could hear the guard dogs growling outside. I wished I’d brought more hamburger meat.
    â€œBernie, remember,” Upchuck said, unlocking the thirty-four locks,