Dumb Clucks Read Free Page B

thing?”
    He shook it hard, like a salt shaker. Then he crushed the shell in his fist.
    I watched the thick, yellow yolk run down his hand.
    â€œHAW HAW HAW!” Beast tossed back his head and HAWed. “I killed Stupid Chicken! HAW HAW HAW!”
    He HAWed for another minute or two. We’re all afraid to stop him when he starts HAWing.
    When Beast finally stopped, Nosebleed shook his head. “It’s not funny to joke about Stupid Chicken,” he said. “Look. You gave me a nosebleed.”
    Beast jammed the crushed egg—shell and all—into his mouth. “Check it out. I’m eating Stupid Chicken! HAW HAW HAW!”
    Yolk ran down his chin. He made slurping and crunching noises until he swallowed it.
    â€œNot funny!” Nosebleed cried. He grabbed an egg from the crate and shouted, “STUPID CHICKEN TAKES NO PRISONERS!”
    And he smashed the egg on top of Beast’s head.
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    Beast looked stunned for a moment. He wiped egg yolk from his forehead. Then he reached into the crate and grabbed three eggs at once.
    With an animal growl, he heaved them at Nosebleed.
    And missed.
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    He hit Chipmunk, Feenman, and Crench instead.
    â€œNo WAY!” Feenman cried, pulling egg yolk from his hair.
    All three of them dove for my egg crate.
    They came up blucking and throwing.
    BLUCK-LUCK-GLUCK!
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    This had to stop! I tried to pull the eggs away.
    But Beast jammed his big shoe into the crate to hold it down.
    Then he heaved eggs across the room as fast as he could throw them.
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    CRAAAAAACK! SMUSSSSSSH!
    Eggs dripped down the walls. Yellow yolk oozed down the TV screen. Broken shells crackled under our shoes. Our clothes were soaked and sticky.
    The battle didn’t end until all my eggs were gone.
    And that’s when Mrs. Heinie walked into the room.
    Mrs. Heinie is our dorm mother. One of her main jobs is to keep us from egging each other.
    â€œOh no! Oh no!” she cried, gazing around the sticky, drippy room through her thick eyeglasses. “Oh no! Oh no!” She pressed her hands against her cheeks. “Oh no! Oh no!”

    I knew she would blame me.
    As a member of the Fourth Grader Hall of Fame, I always get blamed when something interesting happens.
    â€œOh no! Oh no!” she cried.
    â€œI can explain, Mrs. Heinie,” I said.
    She crossed her arms in front of her and squinted at me. “Explain?”
    â€œYes,” I said. “You see, we wanted to cook you a surprise breakfast. Scrambled eggs.”
    â€œAnd…what happened?” Mrs. Heinie asked.
    â€œWe forgot we didn’t have a pan!”

Chapter 8
L IKE P ICKING Y OUR N OSE
    Did Mrs. H. believe my story?
    Hel-lo. If she had, would I be scrubbing the walls and mopping the floors like this?
    Is this a job for a Hall of Famer? I don’t think so.
    Things were not going well. I was losing money fast. I had spent fifteen dollars for the smashed eggs.
    Wasted. All wasted.
    I had to beg Mrs. Heinie not to tell Headmaster Upchuck about the egg fight. I was supposed to keep things calm and quiet. So far, I was a failure at that, too.
    I needed to start raising money right away. I needed the money for the Parents’ Day refreshments.
    And for a private charity I call the Bernie Bridges Private Charity Fund.
    I needed some new ideas. I needed to talk to someone brainy.
    And who could be brainier than Billy the Brain?
    Billy is so smart, he does crossword puzzles without even looking at the clues! He’s so smart, he can tell whether it’s day or night just by checking the position of the sun.
    I knocked on his door and stepped inside. I saw Billy standing on his head in the middle of the room. “Whoa. Why are you doing that?” I asked.
    â€œDoing what?” he asked.
    â€œStanding on your head,” I