Crazy Little Thing Read Free

butt.
    Claire
ducked just in time to dodge being smashed in the face with a picture frame
from Hobby Lobby. She noted that it was a frame Scarlet hated.
    “Why
why why!” Scarlet wailed. “Why did you only pack your sexy underwear? Look at
this!” she said, yanking the panties off Claire’s head. “These are your sexy
panties!”
    “No,
they’re not,” Claire said. “I don’t have sexy underwear. I have normal
underwear. Underwear that befits a woman of my age and status.”
    Scarlet
moaned and threw herself facedown onto the bed. She pounded her fists into the
mattress like an angry toddler having a fit. After a few moments her tantrum
waned to a few ragged sobs.
    Claire
sighed deeply and sat on the edge of the bed. She tried to soothe Scarlet by
patting her back. “Honey, I have to do this so we can get married. Remember
this is for us.”
    “You
don’t love me,” Scarlet whined like a petulant child.
    “I
do. I do love you,” Claire said softly, patting Scarlet’s head. “That’s what
this is all about. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be getting divorced so we
could get married.”
    Scarlet
peeked through her fingers. “You do love me?”
    “Of
course I do, honey. You’re my little booger wooger bear.”
    Scarlet
smiled weakly. “You’re my little monkey wonkey butt.”
    Claire
tenderly wiped Scarlet’s tears away. Scarlet pulled Claire close to kiss her.
Claire turned her face away, saying, “Blow your nose first.”
    “Huh?”
    “Your
nose.” She pointed at her own nose, which was wrinkled in disgust. “You have
some snot and stuff. Blow your nose.”
    “Oh.”
Scarlet grabbed a tissue from the box on the nightstand and blew so hard it
sounded like a goose honking. She looked back at Claire and said with a
stuffed-up nose, “Make lub to meb.”
    “They’re
going to be here any minute,” Claire said.
    “If
you lub meb, show meb,” Scarlet demanded. She cleared her nasal passages in one
big snuffle that made Claire cringe. “Or I’ll never let you go with her.”
    Claire
sighed. She was going to have to do this or Scarlet would never let her hear
the end of it.  She slid to the floor on her knees facing the bed. She pulled
Scarlet’s butt to the edge of the bed, raised her skirt and discovered that
Scarlet wasn’t wearing panties. That could mean only one thing. Scarlet had
planned this scenario all along.
    Claire
took a deep breath. Why did she suddenly feel like a scuba diver whose oxygen
tank was on empty?
    She
closed her eyes and dove in.
     

Scary Movie
     
    G-Ray
turned on the camera. He balanced it on his shoulder while peering through its
viewfinder. “Here we are at Claire’s house,” he narrated. “I am standing at the
front door. I am now knocking.”
    He
knocked. The door creaked open under the force of his knuckles, revealing
nobody on the other side. G-Ray whispered to Ollie. “This is sinister, man. I
think we should run.”
    “Run?”
Ollie said. “You want me to run? Run where?”
    “Haven’t
you ever seen a scary movie? They all start with doors that are already open.
Plus, it squeaked. Doors that squeak always signal something evil lurking
within. It’s not a good sign.”
    “This
is Claire and Scarlet’s house. Not the Hellmouth,” Ollie said. Of course she
did think that perhaps G-Ray had a point and that the evil lurking inside was
none other than Scarlet. Ollie pushed G-Ray out of the way and peeked around
the front door into the living room. “Yoo hoo? Anybody home?”
    “What
does ‘yoo hoo’ mean anyway?” G-Ray asked, following her inside. “You ever
wonder where that phrase comes from? And why did they name a chocolate drink
after it?”
    “Sshh,”
Ollie whispered. “Hear that?” She walked into the middle of the living room
with G-Ray close on her heels.
    “I
don’t hear anything, man. We should get out of here,” he said. “I think I smell
sulphur.”
    “That’s
not sulphur, it’s patchouli incense. The smell of