Ubu Plays, The Read Free

Paul Sérusier, masks by Alfred Jarry and music by Claude Terrasse.
    The cast included Firmin Gémier as Père Ubu and Louise France as Mère Ubu.

Act One
     

SCENE ONE
     
    PA UBU, MA UBU.
     
    PA UBU. Pschitt!
    MA UBU. Ooh what a nasty word. Pa Ubu, you’re a dirty old old man.
    PA UBU. Watch out I don’t bash yer nut in, Ma Ubu!
    MA UBU. It’s not me you should want to do in, Old Ubu. Oh, no! There’s someone else for the high jump.
    PA UBU. By my green candle, I’m not with you.
    MA UBU. How come, Old Ubu, you mean you’re content with your lot?
    PA UBU. By my green candle, pschitt, Madam. Yes, by God, I’m perfectly satisfied. Who wouldn’t be? Captain of the Dragoons, aide de camp to King Wenceslas, decorated with the order of the Red Eagle of Poland, and ex-King of Aragon. You can’t go higher than that!
    MA UBU. So what! After having been King of Aragon, you’re content to ride in reviews at the head of fifty bumpkins armed with billhooks when you could get your loaf measured for the crown of Poland ?
    PA UBU. Huh? I don’t understand a word you’re saying, Mother.
    MA UBU. How stupid can you get!
    PA UBU. By my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive, isn’t he ? And even if he does kick the bucket, hasn’t he masses of children ?
    MA UBU. Why shouldn’t you finish off the whole bunch and put yourself in their place ?
    PA UBU. Ha! Madam, now you have gone too far, and you shall very shortly be beaten up good and proper.
    MA UBU. You poor slob, if I get beaten up who’ll patch the seat of your pants ?
    PA UBU. So what! Haven’t I a bum like everyone else?
    MA UBU. If I were you, I’d try to get that bum sitting on a throne. You could become enormously rich, eat as many bangers as you liked, and roll through the streets in a fine carriage.
    PA UBU. If I were king, I’d get them to make me a great bonnet like the one I used to wear in Aragon, which those lousy Spaniards had the nerve to pinch off me.
    MA UBU. And you could get yourself an umbrella and a guards officer’s greatcoat that would come down to your feet.
    PA UBU. It is more than I can resist! Pschittabugger and buggerapschitt, if ever I come across him alone on a dark night, he’s for it.
    MA UBU. Well done, Pa Ubu, now you’re talking like a man.
    PA UBU. Oh no! Me - a captain of dragoons - brutally murder the King of Poland! I would rather die!
    MA UBU (aside). Oh, pschittl (Aloud.) So you want to stay poor as a church mouse, Mister Ubu ?
    PA UBU. God’s bones, yes, by my green candle, I’d rather be poor as the skinniest mouse than rich as the cruellest cat.
    MA UBU. And your bonnet? And your umbrella? And your greatcoat ?
    PA UBU. And then what, you old cow?
     
    He leaves, banging the door behind him.
     
    MA UBU (alone). Pfartt, pschitt, what a stingy bastard, but pfartt, pschitt, I think I’ve got him shifting all the same. Thanks be to God and myself, in a week, perhaps, I may be Queen of Poland.

SCENE TWO
     
    A room in Pa Ubu’s house, where a magnificent collation is set out.
     
    PA UBU, MA UBU.
     
    MA UBU. Well, our guests are pretty late.
    PA UBU. Yes, by my green candle, I’m dying of hunger. You’re looking exceptionally ugly tonight, Madam, is it because we have company ?
    MA UBU (shrugging her shoulders). Pschitt.
    PA UBU (seizing a roast chicken). I’m quite hungry. I think I’ll get my teeth into this bird. Hmm, a chicken, I reckon, and not bad at all.
    MA UBU. Stop it, you wretch! What are our guests going to eat ?
    PA UBU. There’ll still be plenty for them. I shan’t touch another thing. Go and look out of the window, Ma Ubu, and see if our guests are arriving.
    MA UBU (going over). I don’t see a soul.
     
    Meanwhile, PA UBU gets his hands on a fillet of veal.
     
    MA UBU. Ah, here comes Captain M’Nure and his merry men. Hey, Old Ubu, what are you eating ?
    PA UBU. Nothing, nothing. Just a spot of veal.
    MA UBU. Oh, my veal, my veal! The lout! He’s eaten the veal Help Help!
    PA UBU. By my