FIVE
PA UBU, MA UBU, A MESSENGER.
PA UBU. What do you want, Sir ? Piss off. You make me sick and tired.
MESSENGER. Sir, you are summoned immediately to the royal presence.
He goes out.
PA UBU. Oh pschitt God’s whiskers ! By my green candle, all is discovered. I’ll be beheaded. Woe is me!
MA UBU. What a feeble creature! And time’s getting short.
PA UBU. Ah! I’ve got an idea. I’ll say it was Ma Ubu and M’Nure.
MA UBU. You big P.U., you just try ...
PA UBU. I’d better get out while the going’s good.
He goes out.
MA UBU (running after him). Oh! Pa Ubu, Pa Ubu, I’ll give you some fine fat sausages.
She goes out.
PA UBU (offstage). Oh pschitt! You’re a fine fat sausage yourself.
SCENE SIX
The King’s Palace.
KING WENCESLAS, surrounded by his OFFICERS, MAC NURE the king’s SONS, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS and BOGGERLAS.
PA UBU (entering). Oh! you know, it wasn’t me, it was the old woman and M’Nure.
THE KING. What’s up with you, Old Ubu?
CAPTAIN MACNURE. He’s tight.
THE KING. Like me this morning. I was tight as two Poles.
PA UBU. Yes, I’m tight. It’s because I’ve drunk too much champagne.
THE KING. Master Ubu, I have resolved to reward you for your many services as Captain of Dragoons, and I therefore proclaim you Count of Sandomir.
PA UBU. O, Sire! I am speechless with gratitude.
THE KING. Tut, think nothing of it, Master Ubu. But be sure to be present tomorrow morning at our Grand Review.
PA UBU. I shall be there, Sire. Meanwhile, pray deign to accept this magnificently decorated kazoo.
He presents THE KING with a kazoo.
THE KING. You don’t expect me to start playing a kazoo at my age, surely ? Well, I’ll give it to young Boggerlas.
BOGGERLAS. What an old fool he is, this Ubu creature.
PA UBU. And now I shall fuck off. (He falls, as he turns round.) Oh ! ow ! Help, rescue! By my green candle, I’ve ruptured my gut and smashed my rattle-trap.
THE KING (helping him up). Old Ubu, are you hurt?
PA UBU. Yes, badly, and I’m certainly going to croak. What will happen to Madam Ubu ?
THE KING. We shall provide for her upkeep.
PA UBU. You are most kind and gracious, Sire. (Aside, as he leaves.) But you’ll be liquidated just the same, King Wenceslas.
SCENE SEVEN
Ubu’s House.
GYRON, HEADS, TAILS, PA UBU, MA UBU, CONSPIRATORS and SOLDIERS, CAPTAIN MACNURE.
PA UBU. Well, my good friends, it’s high time we planned our little conspiracy. Let each give his counsel. With your permission, we will begin with mine.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. Speak, Mister Ubu.
PA UBU. Very good, my friends. I’m of the opinion that we should simply poison the King by stuffing his lunch with arsenic. When he starts the browsing and scoffing, he’ll drop dead, and I shall be king.
ALL. Oo, you wicked old thing, you!
PA UBU. What, you don’t like that idea? All right then, let’s hear from M’Nure.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. My suggestion is that I fetch him a good wallop with my sword and cleave him from top to toe.
ALL. Ah yes ! that’s noble and gallant.
PA UBU. But supposing he gives you a few kicks ? I’ve just remembered: for his Grand Reviews, he wears iron boots that are jolly painful. If I had half a chance, I’d snitch on the lot of you. That way, I’d be rid of this whole beastly business, and probably pick up a reward into the bargain.
MA UBU. Oh, the traitor, the coward, the rotten, mean skunk!
ALL. Down with Old Ubu!
PA UBU. Hey, gentlemen, shut your traps unless you want me to turn you all in. Well, all right, then, I’ll take all the risks on your behalf. So, M’Nure, it’s agreed that your job is to split the king down the middle.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. Wouldn’t it be better for us all to jump on him at once, shouting and yelling ? That way, we’d have a better chance of winning over the troops.
PA UBU. Look, I’ll tell you what. I shall try to step on his toe, he’ll kick out at me, I’ll say ‘PSCHITT’ to
PA UBU, MA UBU, A MESSENGER.
PA UBU. What do you want, Sir ? Piss off. You make me sick and tired.
MESSENGER. Sir, you are summoned immediately to the royal presence.
He goes out.
PA UBU. Oh pschitt God’s whiskers ! By my green candle, all is discovered. I’ll be beheaded. Woe is me!
MA UBU. What a feeble creature! And time’s getting short.
PA UBU. Ah! I’ve got an idea. I’ll say it was Ma Ubu and M’Nure.
MA UBU. You big P.U., you just try ...
PA UBU. I’d better get out while the going’s good.
He goes out.
MA UBU (running after him). Oh! Pa Ubu, Pa Ubu, I’ll give you some fine fat sausages.
She goes out.
PA UBU (offstage). Oh pschitt! You’re a fine fat sausage yourself.
SCENE SIX
The King’s Palace.
KING WENCESLAS, surrounded by his OFFICERS, MAC NURE the king’s SONS, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS and BOGGERLAS.
PA UBU (entering). Oh! you know, it wasn’t me, it was the old woman and M’Nure.
THE KING. What’s up with you, Old Ubu?
CAPTAIN MACNURE. He’s tight.
THE KING. Like me this morning. I was tight as two Poles.
PA UBU. Yes, I’m tight. It’s because I’ve drunk too much champagne.
THE KING. Master Ubu, I have resolved to reward you for your many services as Captain of Dragoons, and I therefore proclaim you Count of Sandomir.
PA UBU. O, Sire! I am speechless with gratitude.
THE KING. Tut, think nothing of it, Master Ubu. But be sure to be present tomorrow morning at our Grand Review.
PA UBU. I shall be there, Sire. Meanwhile, pray deign to accept this magnificently decorated kazoo.
He presents THE KING with a kazoo.
THE KING. You don’t expect me to start playing a kazoo at my age, surely ? Well, I’ll give it to young Boggerlas.
BOGGERLAS. What an old fool he is, this Ubu creature.
PA UBU. And now I shall fuck off. (He falls, as he turns round.) Oh ! ow ! Help, rescue! By my green candle, I’ve ruptured my gut and smashed my rattle-trap.
THE KING (helping him up). Old Ubu, are you hurt?
PA UBU. Yes, badly, and I’m certainly going to croak. What will happen to Madam Ubu ?
THE KING. We shall provide for her upkeep.
PA UBU. You are most kind and gracious, Sire. (Aside, as he leaves.) But you’ll be liquidated just the same, King Wenceslas.
SCENE SEVEN
Ubu’s House.
GYRON, HEADS, TAILS, PA UBU, MA UBU, CONSPIRATORS and SOLDIERS, CAPTAIN MACNURE.
PA UBU. Well, my good friends, it’s high time we planned our little conspiracy. Let each give his counsel. With your permission, we will begin with mine.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. Speak, Mister Ubu.
PA UBU. Very good, my friends. I’m of the opinion that we should simply poison the King by stuffing his lunch with arsenic. When he starts the browsing and scoffing, he’ll drop dead, and I shall be king.
ALL. Oo, you wicked old thing, you!
PA UBU. What, you don’t like that idea? All right then, let’s hear from M’Nure.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. My suggestion is that I fetch him a good wallop with my sword and cleave him from top to toe.
ALL. Ah yes ! that’s noble and gallant.
PA UBU. But supposing he gives you a few kicks ? I’ve just remembered: for his Grand Reviews, he wears iron boots that are jolly painful. If I had half a chance, I’d snitch on the lot of you. That way, I’d be rid of this whole beastly business, and probably pick up a reward into the bargain.
MA UBU. Oh, the traitor, the coward, the rotten, mean skunk!
ALL. Down with Old Ubu!
PA UBU. Hey, gentlemen, shut your traps unless you want me to turn you all in. Well, all right, then, I’ll take all the risks on your behalf. So, M’Nure, it’s agreed that your job is to split the king down the middle.
CAPTAIN MACNURE. Wouldn’t it be better for us all to jump on him at once, shouting and yelling ? That way, we’d have a better chance of winning over the troops.
PA UBU. Look, I’ll tell you what. I shall try to step on his toe, he’ll kick out at me, I’ll say ‘PSCHITT’ to
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