Ubu Plays, The Read Free Page A

green candle, I’ll gouge your eyes out.
     
    The door opens.

SCENE THREE
     
    PA UBU, MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE and his
    MERRY MEN.
     
    MA UBU. Good day, gentlemen, we have been awaiting your arrival with impatience. Pray be seated.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Good day, Madam. But where is Mister Ubu?
    PA UBU. Here I am, here I am! By my green candle, dammit, I shouldn’t have thought I was so easy to miss.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Good day, Mister Ubu. Sit ye down, my merry men.
     
    They all sit down.
     
    PA UBU. Ouch! A little more and I’d have had stove in my chair.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Well, Mistress Ubu, what succulent dishes have you prepared for us today ?
    MA UBU. Here’s the menu.
    PA UBU. That’s right up my street.
    MA UBU. Polish broth, spare ribs of Polish bison, veal, chicken and hound pie, parsons’ noses from the royal Polish turkeys, charlotte russe ...
    PA UBU. That’s enough, I should think. Is there any more?
    MA UBU. Ice-pudding, salad, fruit, cheese, boiled beef, Jerusalem fartichokes, cauliflower à la pschitt.
    PA UBU. Hey, do you think I’m an oriental potentate, shelling out all that money ?
    MA UBU. Pay no attention to him. He’s off his rocker.
    PA UBU. You wait. I shall sharpen my teeth on your shanks.
    MA UBU. Just eat up and shut up, Old Ubu! Here, try the Polish broth.
    PA UBU. Urghh, what muck!
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. You’re right. It hasn’t quite come off.
    MA UBU. Ill-mannered louts, what do you want then?
    PA UBU (clapping his brow). Ah ! I’ve got an idea. Back in a jiffy.
     
    He goes out.
     
    MA UBU. Gentlemen, let’s try the veal.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Excellent. What there was of it.
    MA UBU. Now for the parsons’ noses.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Absolutely delicious. Hurrah for Ma Ubu !
    ALL. Hurrah for Ma Ubu.
    PA UBU (returning). And soon you’ll be yelling hurrah for Old Ubu.
     
    He holds an unmentionable brush in his hand and hurls it at the gathering.
     
    PA UBU. Try a taste of that. (Several taste and collapse poisoned.) Now pass me the spare ribs of Polish bison, Mother, and I’ll dish them out.
    MA UBU. Here they are.
    PA UBU. Get out everybody! I have something to say to you, Captain M’Nure.
    THE REST. But we haven’t had our dinner!
    PA UBU. Not had dinner ? Get out, I tell you. Not you, M’Nure. (Nobody budges.) You’re still here? By my green candle, I’ll do you all in with bison ribs.
     
    He begins to throw them.
     
    ALL. Ooh! Ow! Help, rescue! Let’s stick up for ourselves! Curses! He’s done for me!
    PA UBU. Pschitt, pschitt and pschitt again. Get out, all of you. Do I make myself plain ?
    ALL. Every man for himself! Rotten old Ubu! Mean, double-crossing skunk !
    PA UBU. Ah, they’ve gone. Now I can relax again, but I’ve had a lousy meal. Come, M’Nure.
     
    They leave with MA UBU.

SCENE FOUR
     
    PA UBU, MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE.
     
    PA UBU. Well, captain, how did you enjoy your dinner?
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Very much, Sir, except for the pschitt.
    PA UBU. Oh, I didn’t think the pschitt was too bad.
    MA UBU. A little of what you fancy, they say.
    PA UBU. Captain M’Nure, I’ve decided to create you Duke of Lithuania.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. But I thought you were completely broke, Mister Ubu ?
    PA UBU. In a day or two, with your help, I shall be King of Poland.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. You will assassinate Wenceslas?
    PA UBU. The bugger’s no fool. He’s guessed it.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. If it’s a question of killing Wenceslas, I’m with you. I am his deadly enemy, and I can answer for my men.
    PA UBU (throwing himself upon him to embrace him). Oh, M’Nure, I love you dearly for that.
    CAPTAIN MACNURE. Pooh, how you stink, man! Don’t you ever wash ?
    PA UBU. Occasionally.
    MA UBU. Never!
    PA UBU. I’m going to tread on your toes.
    MA UBU. Fat lump of pschittl
    PA UBU. Right, M’Nure, that’s all for now. But by my green candle, I swear on the head of Madam Ubu to make you Duke of Lithuania.
    MA UBU. But ...
    PA UBU. Silence, my angel ...
     
    They all go out.

SCENE