Tommy Puke and the Boy with the Golden Barf Read Free

in on this action, Josh? The Craptucky Derby is set for this weekend!"
    I shook my head, amazed that they were talking about poop races, more amazed that they were betting money on them...and most amazed of all that Tommy seemed to be the ringleader.
    "So what brings you here today, Tommy?" said Harry . "You don't usually show up till Sunday."
    Tommy let go of Sylvia's hand and scratched his butt. "I need to talk to Mr. Diogenes."
    The old folks fell silent and looked at each other dramatically. The background noise of the nursing home rose up to fill the gap--ringing phones, beeping medical equipment, nurses' voices in the halls.
    Harry cleared his throat. "Diogenes ain't doing so good, Tommy."
    Tommy's eyes shot wider. " What ?" He sounded alarmed. "Why didn't anybody call me?"
    "Easy, Tom, easy." Harry patted the air with both hands. "It's not like that, buddy. Mr. D . isn't any sicker than usual."
    " But h is peace of mind's another story." Little Sylvia rolled her wheelchair aside to clear a path. "You'd better go see for yourself."
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    *****
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    Chapter 5
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    "You come here on Sundays?" I said as we hurried down the hall.
    "Yep." Tommy's eyes stayed focused straight ahead. "Every Sunday I can."
    I almost had to run to keep up. "Do you have family here or something?"
    " More like a role model ." He stopped at the open door of a room at the end of the hall. A man was yelling inside.
    Tommy walked in, but I held back. The yelling man sounded pretty angry; I wondered if he might be dangerous.
    " Mr. Diogenes?" said Tommy.
    It was then that I heard another voice, deep as rolling thunder. "Thomas? Is that you?"
    "Sure is," said Tommy. "So what's his problem?"
    The yelling man's voice burst out louder than ever. "I'll tell you what my problem is! That blind fiend with his mind control powers! He must be eliminated! "
    Finally, I took a deep breath and stepped through the doorway. Inside, Tommy was standing at the foot of the bed nearest the door. An old man lay there , propped up on pillows; he was heavyset, with a round face and tar-black eyebrows that didn't seem to fit in with his wavy silver hair.
    "Hey, Mr. D." Tommy squeezed the old man's foot through the bedsheet. "I'd like you to meet my friend, Josh. He's helping me with my labors."
    Mr. Diogenes stared in my general direction but didn't look right at me. "Hello there, Josh." Maybe t he yelling man had been right about him being blind.
    "Nice to meet you, sir." I smiled, though I didn't think he could see me.
    Maybe the yelling man had been listening, because he started shouting again as soon as Tommy finished introducing me. "Josh! Don't listen to your alien overlords! They will turn this planet into rancid marshmallow if they aren't stopped!"
    "What's his problem?" said Tommy.
    "A total lack of self-control." Mr. Diogenes sighed. "They call him Boombox. He moved in three days ago, which coincidentally was the last time I got any sleep."
    A gray curtain hanging from a track in the ceiling divided the room. I craned my neck to look around it, but all I saw of Boombox were his big, bare feet at the end of his bed.
    "I can't take it anymore, Thomas ." Mr. Diogenes grimaced. "I'm cracking up , I swear."
    "Don't listen to him!" Boombox's voice was louder than ever. " He's the one driving me insane! When no one's around, he divides into multiple six-inch-tall clones with purple eyes! They've already made a dozen attempts on my life !"
    "I see what you mean, Mr. D ." Tommy gave his foot another squeeze under the sheet. "Want me to get him out of here for you?"
    "Really?" Mr. Diogenes tipped his head forward. "You could do that?"
    "What are you saying about me over there?" said Boombox. "What wickedness are you up to now?"
    Tommy grinned. "It'll be untraceable, Mr. D . Just say the word."
    Mr. D iogenes didn't hesitate. "Consider it said, Thomas."
    "Consider it done, Mr. D." Tommy winked at me as he walked over to the edge of the curtain closest to the head of