The Twilight of the Bums Read Free

coming. Bum Two lifted his head, and through the dust cloud he saw the outline of the donkey cart. It’s a little early isn’t it? he said, thinking it was the cart from the mortuary on its way to collect their corpses.
    History does not record what happened that day on Golgotha when the woman of great resistance climbed up the cross, but perhaps one can get a clue from the words Saint Augustine scribbled in his Confessions:
    Do not despair, one of the thieves was saved .
    Do not presume, one of the thieves was fucked .

THE PRINCESS & THE FROG
    Once upon a time, and what a scary time it was, the two friends got lost in the woods and were just about starved when a fairy princess leapt out of a pond and offered herself to the men, who were still quite young, little more than boys really. Necessity offering no other option, they ate the princess on the spot, as bid, and were restored enough to make their way out of the woods to a human settlement. Many years passed and the boymen all but forgot the princess who had saved their lives until one day the two friends, now old men, were fishing in a pond when a frog leapt out of the water. Oh what a big fat frog, one of the friends cried out. Hey, why don’t we have frog legs for lunch, said the other friend. So they caught the frog, proceeded to dismember it, cooked the legs on their portable camping stove, and soon delighted in the savory flesh, not realizing that only a kiss from them would have transformed the frog into a beautiful fairy princess.

A LITTLE REQUEST
    In the long run in the scheme of things what kinds of things do you want a woman to do for you? He asked his friend.
    And the friend replied, as things stand now with the old bones weeping and the muscles creaking I would like a woman to kneel before me and tie my shoe laces.

EXCHANGING VIEWS

Um:
I would like my spouse to serve me a meal
Laut:
I would like my spouse to cook me noodles
Um:
I would like my spouse to watch tv with me
Laut:
I would like my spouse to play games with me
Um:
I would like my spouse to be home for me
Laut:
I would like my spouse to respect my private mail
Um:
I would like my spouse to hear what I’m saying
Laut:
I would like my spouse to understand my poetry
Um:
I would like my spouse to replace the cap on bottles
Laut:
I would like my spouse to stop using talcum powder
Um:
I would like my spouse to go sleep in another bed
Laut:
I would like my spouse to stop snoring at night
Um:
I would like my spouse to end her childhood
Laut:
I would like my spouse to stop cultivating senilities

THE SOCIOLOGY OF WIFEHOOD

    The wife is the woman you end up with who is neither your mother nor your mistress. She’s the one who visits your sickroom every day, and when you complain to her that you don’t want to be there she replies that she doesn’t either. The mistress and the mother cannot be lived with, they can only be visited. But the wife is the woman you live with, as she lives with you, and not with her father or her young lover with the thick hair and the slick mustache. She is the one who brings you clean socks and fresh underwear, who double-checks your checkbook figures, and has just a few weeks ago completed the plans for the removal of your body. Then, as she leaves, she bends to kiss you, and you look up to receive her smooch, knowing that her dear face is the one you’ll see first tomorrow, if you make it, and even if you don’t.
    The above material Bum One has just read to Bum Two, implicitly seeking his opinion. Two shakes his head soberly, affirming both the justice and the insight of the prepared remarks. Awesome, he says, snapping the paper with his fingernail, but don’t show it to Sophie.

A DELICATE SITUATION
    Our situation is truly delicate, Bum Two told Bum One as they set out one morning for the day’s occupations. What I mean is this: What fine things, what momentous things, are we going to miss through fear, fear of falling back into the