The Twilight of the Bums Read Free Page A

old errors, fear of not finishing in time, fear of reveling, for the last time, in a last outpouring of misery, impotence, and senility.
    To which Bum One replied calmly: Don’t worry like this. The forms are many in which Bums like us can seek relief from laziness.

THE AGING PROCESS
    As one ages one tends not to become richer or wiser or kinder, etc., no. There tends, rather, simply to be more of what one is. We mean the character thing. This, for example, Bum A is showing forth as a frustrated infant in perpetual rage, whereas Bum B is developing into a destructive fourteen year old. This is as far as both of them got in the character development department.
    So we find them on this day flying along coastal highway 101 north of Los Angeles in a snappy rental convertible, its top down, the boombox blasting Shostakovitch piano preludes, when suddenly Bum A says, I gotta go pipi! Bum B doesn’t react and continues to speed up the highway. If you don’t stop, whines Bum A, I’ll pee in my pants. Bum B rather than slowing down presses harder on the accelerator and cries out into the wind, You’re a real baby, you know! Okay, I’ll stop as soon as I see the proper tree, meanwhile cross your legs and shut the fuck up so I can listen to the music.

PENNIES IN HEAVEN
    Um & Laut are flying somewhere. On U.S. Air. It’s a long flight, but we cannot tell you where they are going because the bums themselves don’t even know why they are on this plane. They are bored. They have already seen the dumb movie that is being shown (HOME ALONE), they have read all the magazines, and they don’t even feel like flirting with the flight attendants. Air hostesses used to be sexy and pleasant, but nowadays they all seem well past their prime and indifferent to the needs of the passengers. Anyway, Um & Laut are bored. Sleep is also out of the question because they have already slept for a couple of hours (old men never sleep more than a few hours at a time).
    Let’s play a game, says Um.
    What kind of game? inquires Laut.
    Let’s see how far we can count numbers, suggests Um.
    Hey, that’s not a bad idea, agrees Laut, but let’s do it this way. We take turns counting, but each time we double the numbers.
    What do you mean?
    Well, you say 1, I say 2, then you say 4, and I say 8, and you say 16, so on.
    Okay. You begin.
U:
1
L:
2
U:
4
L:
8
U:
16
L:
32
U:
64
L:
128
U:
256
L:
512
U:
1024
L:
2048
U:
4096
L:
8192
U:
Are you sure, it’s 8192?
L:
Yes, I am. My dear Um, you know I never make mistakes with numbers. Go on. This is fun.
U:
16384
L:
32798. No. I think I made a mistake. It’s 32768. Yes, 32768
U:
65536
L:
131072
U:
262144
L:
524288
U:
1048576. Wow, I never had so much fun in an airplane. Don’t stop. Keep going.
L:
I am, dammit. 2097152
U:
4194304
L:
8388608
U:
16777216
L:
33554432
U:
67108864
L:
 
U:
Well, what are you waiting for?
L:
I have to rest a moment. I’m out of breath.
U:
That’s the problem with you. You’re out of shape. You don’t exercise enough. I keep telling you, you’ve got to exercise, or you’re gonna become a decrepit old fart.
L:
Okay okay. I’m fine. What was the last one?
U:
67 million 108 thousand 8 hundred and 64
L:
 
U:
Come on already!
L:
Don’t rush me. 134217728
U:
268435456
L:
536870912
U:
Wait a minute, you’re going too fast.
L:
Aha, now look who is out of shape.
U:
It has nothing to do with that. I just want to make sure I don’t make a mistake. I mean if you’re gonna play the game you’re gotta play it right.
L:
Then play, and stop yapping.
U:
Alright. Where were we?
L:
Shit! I forgot now.
U:
No big deal. Don’t get excited. We have all the time in the world. Let’s start all over again. But this time let’s really keep it going.
L:
Okay. My turn to start. 1
U:
2
L:
4
U:
8
L:
16
U:
32
L:
64
U:
128
L:
 
U:
Well, are you already out of breath?
L:
No no, I just thought of something.