The New Bottoming Book Read Free

belief that I can increase my power by taking some of yours. The way I get to feel big is to make you feel small, and the way I get to feel secure is to make you feel insecure. (Sound like anybody you know? Janet says it sounds like her ex-boss.) Power-over is achieved by belittling others.

    The sad thing about power-over is that it doesn't work. I cannot build a solid foundation of internal security, self-esteem and empowerment by stealing yours.

    Power-with is based on the idea that we can all become more powerful by supporting each other in being more powerful. We, your authors, like this idea. We are eroticized to power, so we want you to be powerful because that turns us on, and we want to play with your power. We want you to be turned on to our power too: after all, it doesn't take much of a top to take down a wimp.

    Do You Really Have No Choice? The truth is that you are always making choices, whether you admit it or not. Just as no one can actually magically steal your power, your power is always with you whether you want it or not.

    As a bottom, it can be very sexy to believe that you have no choices. "Poor me! Forced to endure all this intense sensation, turned on against my will!" To keep this fantasy hot and safe, it is important that we understand that it is a fantasy, and if it is not hot any more, or safe, or feeling okay, then we do have a choice. We can stop the scene, we can ask for something different, we can tell our playmate about the problem we are having. In a
    worst-case scenario, we can choose a different playmate.

    Dossie remembers a scene that strongly highlighted the contrast between fantasy and reality:

    The fantasy was that I was tied in the tyrant's bed, available to be fucked at any time against my will. My friend the tyrant indeed did wake me up at four in the morning, as per my request, and fucked me. The problem was, I was exhausted and quite sore from earlier activities, and could not get turned on. I kept turning my mind back to the fantasy of nonconsent, frantically hunting for my turn-on somewhere in there. But this time, in my sleepy state, I convinced myself that I really had no choice, and that this was nonconsensual (all this time my poor friend is dutifully plugging away) and I became genuinely scared. My perceptive tyrant figured out that something was wrong and stopped, and comforted me with good grace, and was also very gracious about not completing the fuck till morning. I got very embarrassed, and got to learn yet one more time that even the hottest fantasy may not play as well in reality as it does in my mind.

    Are You Really Passive? We never have liked that word passive — we prefer to think of bottoming as "receptive." Bottoms as a class are not a passive lot in their lives, as you could see at any social event where you would find out that borroms might be lawyers, doctors, therapists, corporate executives, police officers, entrepreneurs and other high-powered types. Many of the support groups and organizations in the S/M community in San Francisco and elsewhere were founded and are run by bottoms.
    Most tops are uncomfortable with bottoms who are excessively passive. Janet, in her Lady Green top persona, occasionally gets letters from men who proudly claim "I am a wimp." Her response: "Oooh, makes me dry." Behind the sarcasm lies a very real discomfort with the idea of taking power from the powerless, and for the unsatisfying scenes that would undoubtedly ensue: why climb an anthill when the world is full of beautiful mountains?

    In terms of planning a scene, bottoms very quickly learn that tops cannot read our minds, and that if we want to get our needs met anci have our dreams come true, we had better learn how to take an active part in designing and realizing a scene. Bottoms who do not learn this lesson often get very frustrated and wonder why they cant get their needs met. Failing to tell your partner about your needs is also a set-up for finding yourself in