The New Bottoming Book Read Free Page A

a scene you may hate now or regret tomorrow.

    Even within the scene, bottoms may be rebellious, resistant, sexually aggressive, loudmouth (or even switch: many bottoms, like Dossie, are excellent tops). Active or interactive bottoms are actually quite popular. Passive bottoms who give little feedback to their tops may leave their tops feeling insecure and clueless: such scenes, while possible, are particularly demanding for the dominant. Thus, on those rare occasions when we get to act very passive in a scene, it feels like a precious luxury.

    Do You Really Have No Limits? Good bottoms know their limits, and can communicate them clearly. This is not only a right, it is a responsibility.

    There are always limits, whether you state them or not. There are limits of physical safety, limits of understanding, and the all-important limits of what does or does not turn you on. If you haven't already figured out what your limits are, later on we'll explain more about how to find them.

    Janet was once involved in a discussion with a woman who was a slave in a full-time master-and-slave relationship:

    She told me, "No, I really have no power, I really have no limits. Whatever my master wants is OK with me." I proposed, "Suppose your master woke up tomorrow morning and told you, 'I'm tired of this S/M stuff. From now on, we're only going to have gentle, consensual, egalitarian vanilla sex.'" There was a long pause. Finally, sheepishly, she answered, "You win. I'd be out of there in a minute."

    Pretending to play without limits, in our experience, tends to produce less intense scenes, as without a clear understanding of the bottom's limits tops most often wind up doing much less than the bottom can enjoy, just to be on the safe side.

    Accepting your limits is about accepting yourself. If the power exchange of S/M consists of giving your considerable power to a top, or giving your self over, then limits are about the parts of yourself, or your reactions, that are beyond your control (like ticklishness) and thus beyond yo ur ability to offer. You can still give all you have to give of yourself to that wonderful person who wants to take all of you that she can get.

Bridging the Gap Between Fantasy and Reality

    The common thread that seems to run through this section is that fantasy is not reality. Good players learn to handle reality first and use it as a foundation on which to build really hot fantasies. When you confuse fantasies with reality, you distance yourself from your power. Since S/M players eroticize power, you, as a bottom, must bring your power along or you have none to share.

    The origins of our deepest urges toward BDSM, and the most profound of the roles we like to play, do not come from the responsible and adult part of us. The archetypes and emotions we explore arise from our primitive, uncivilized and shadowy parts. This is why the boundary between fantasy and reality is most important to understand and accept, so we can play in psychological as well as physical safety. And as we play deeper, this boundary can get blurred, and our play can seem more "real" than reality. So how do we establish boundaries for emotional safety?
    It helps to be conscious of the boundary between "scene space" or "in the game" and out. We arrange to deal with reality outside of scene space so that we can enjoy the fantastic within it. You can even use the tension between fantasy and reality to heighten the excitement — often the heat is where the friction is.

    How Real Is the Role? There is some difference of opinion within the BDSM world about choices between temporary and full-time roles. In some communities, rigid hierarchies are observed and full-time roles are the norm — tops in particular never bottom. It is very difficult to stay in role all the time, and such tops sometimes complain of getting tired and wanting some relief. It is equally difficult to bottom all the time, especially if nobody is topping you.

    In other