The New Bottoming Book Read Free Page B

communities, roles are mostly dropped outside a scene, with some light roles assumed for purposes of flirtation, humor, and comfort. Many players switch roles with facility. Inevitably, some confusion and arguments arise as to when the players are in role and when they are not, which role they are in, or what they do when they both want to bottom or top at the same time.

    You will hear a lot of judgments and criticism between these approaches: some folks proclaim that people who drop roles are not "real" tops or bottoms, while others complain about the rigid and oppressive quality of their communities. We believe that you can do good play from either position, or anywhere in between, as long as you are willing to be flexible and tolerant, and willing to support each other at those times when the "rules" don't give you an answer to a difficulty you are having, and you need to stumble around by trial and error until you find your own solution.

    Rule # 1 of S/M: The rules don't work every time.

    Thinking With Your Head And Your Gonads. The reason we cannot make rules that will protect us every time, or tell where the boundary should be in every situation, is that the desires we play with are not rational. The desire you may have to be utterly bottom, to be operated by and operated on by another, to be very small, to be owned: this desire is not reasonable. It is, however, powerful, and even the best bottoms have many a desperate argument with themselves on the subject of lust versus sanity.

    Janet remembers:

    I did a scene once in which I'd gone under very deeply although my usual bottoming style is "powerful masochist," in this scene I'd gone into a very submissive, dependent, passive state of mind. When the scene was over, I began to cry uncontrollably. My partner was afraid he'd done something wrong, that I was angry, but when he got me to talk, all I could say was "I didn't want to come back."

    Similarly, when we top we often need to rein in the part of us that wants to be godlike, and that becomes annoyed when our bottoms have the audacity to fail to enjoy what we have so graciously deigned to do to them!

    We bottom in order to go to places within ourselves and with our partners that we cannot get to without a top. To explore these spaces, we need someone to push us over the edge in the right ways, and to keep us safe while we're out there flying.

    The games we play have the power to bypass our customary psychological defenses, giving us access to amazing experiences and awarenesses. For emotional safety, we establish ways to take care of each other while we are defenseless. Bottom power comes from the gut-level realization that you deserve respect for your vulnerability, and care and support from those who take you down... and thus get to ride along with you on your journey.

    Writing New Rules. What makes S/M work at all is that, in order to play, we intentionally alter the customary rules of personal responsibility, and enter into a ritualized codependency. The ritual is what makes it possible, and safe, to travel in the uncharted psychological territory of bottom space. Janet says:

    When I teach my classes for novice tops, I say: "Normally, you have a 'bubble' of protectiveness you put around yourself to prevent yourself from being physically or emotionally hurt. When you agree to top someone, you've
    just agreed to put that bubble around you and your partner for the duration of the scene."

    Time and experience usually make tops and bottoms better at operating these boundaries — so if you're feeling desperately confused right now, don't worry, it'll undoubtedly get easier soon. Experienced players become adept at dropping out of role or scene space to take care of a bit of troublesome reality, and equally skilled at dropping right back in to continue having fun. A ritual - say, putting on and taking off a collar - can serve to define the rules of play and the boundaries between you. Many different rituals