The Douchebag Bible Read Free

insulting Islam? This is a very big
    thing! You had better back off these shitty things or you are a
    dead man, I swear to God.”

    karimsaber123 , Youtube User
    (abysmal spelling and punctuation has been corrected)

    HOW TO GET LEFT THE FUCK ALONE

    I am vulgar. I think bad thoughts and more often then not I
    shit them forth from my mouth with all the enthusiasm of an
    overpaid whore on ecstasy. What's worse, I usually say them
    when in mixed company, or when speaking to one with fragile
    ears, and a frail mind in between them.
    Jaws drop and gasps resound. "Did he really just say
    what I think he did?" You're damn right he did. And do you
    know what? He enjoyed it too. It's how I maintain my sanity,
    and now, with my help, you too can improve the quality of your
    life by being a dirty foul-mouthed bastard.
    "How can being grossly offensive improve my life,
    Amazing Atheist?"
    God you people ask some dumb fucking questions.
    Observe my ingenious equation below.

    People + Life = 

    Life – People = 

    And how do you get rid of people? You can stick dynamite in
    their asses and paint the walls with their insides . . . which is
    effective, but illegal and costly.
    You can poison their coffee, but it tends to be slow—and
    problematic if they drink tea or water or cat piss.
    The best solution to your people problem is to make
    your company utterly un-enjoyable by totally offending anyone
    foolish enough to seek your conversation.
    "How do I accomplish this feat, Amazing Atheist? I am
    not clever and witty like you."
    I know. Don't fret. I'm here to help. There are four basic
    methods of fucking with peoples stupid heads.

    1. The Grumbling Prick Method
    2. The "My Life is Shit" Method.
    3. The Polite Asshole Method

    4. The Amazing Atheist Method

    THE GRUMBLING PRICK METHOD
    This method is usually effective on those who want to ask for
    favors or opinions, and best of all for you dumbfucks, it's so
    easy that it doesn't even require any brain activity. Basically,
    you just grumble.

    Victim: "Hey, AA, can I borrow some salmon?"

    Me: "Grrrrrrr . . . Flippidyskittlefucker! YOU KNOW NOT MY
    POWAH!!!"

    Victim: "What?"

    Me: "Fraggenrippert shitterpickfork eat nachos in hellzzor!!!"

    Victim: "Uh. I'll come back later."

    THE "MY LIFE IS SHIT" METHOD
    This is the favorite among whiney people, who, for the most
    part, don't even understand that it repels people. Basically,
    when you are approached by an undesirable, you start
    whining about everything wrong in your life. If you have a
    relatively happy life, just make some shit up. The more inane
    the shit you bitch about, the better. If you bitch about valid
    things, then your misery is likely to be compelling—which you
    don't want. For instance:

    Victim: "Hi, TJ!"

    Me (in depressed voice): "Hi."

    Victim: "Something the matter? You sound down."

    Now, this is where you hit them with it. Your response should
    be inane and whiney. You don't want to compel them.

    WRONG RESPONSE: "Oh. Nothing much. A serial killer
    murdered everyone I loved and brutally raped me."

    That's sure to lead to a lot of consolation that you don't want.

    RIGHT RESPONSE: " Something the matter? No.
    EVERYTHING is the matter. I've got a paper cut. My Coke is
    flat. My Toes hurt. My hands are kind of cold. And to top it all
    off, people that I hate keep trying to talk to me."

    THE POLITE ASSHOLE METHOD
    This method requires more brains than the others, and is the
    least effective in getting rid of people since many are too thick
    to even know that they are being insulted. However, this is the
    best method for those desiring a feeling of superiority to those
    that they are insulting. You most commonly see this technique
    used by people who want to insult people who are ridiculous,
    but have a lot of authority.
    Basically, you insult them subtly, and make it sound
    like a compliment. A good sense of irony is needed for this one.

    Victim: "Do you think that they will ever create a computer
    with