money out the savings account that you've had since
you were a little kid and would sell your body to the local sex
offender. That's okay though, you're going to be a filthy
stinking-ass rich writer soon. You’ll show that fucking M!
You’ll never put him in any of your stories! There wont be any
M’s in your stories! No sir!
On your way out the door your phone rings. You pick it
up. It's your boss wondering where you were all day. You tell
him to go fuck himself up the ass with a big, floppy, rubber
dick. You hang up the phone and giggle at your cleverness.
You feel better all ready.
A few hours later, you're back with your brand new,
deluxe, limited addition XK-33 with an ultimum 666 processor
and a flat-screen monitor. The side of the box reads, THE
OFFICIAL COMPUTER OF SATAN. You smile and nod with
self-approval at you excellent purchase. You bring it into your
work room (formerly called the bathroom) and plug that bad
boy in. It explodes into flames and burns down your apartment
complex, killing two and injury twenty. You are badly burned,
but the paramedics tell you that your insurance has expired.
No biggie! The burns don't hurt that much, and you're
sure you can sleep at a friend’s house until you get back on
your feet. And tomorrow you can go back to that computer
shop and give them Hell! You hop in your car. It won't start.
Who cares? It’s a nice night for walking anyway.
After a few hours (during which you could not locate one
working payphone) you arrive at your friend apartment. He is
not home. You begin to feel a bit angry and decide to mutilate
the first person you see. You spot and old granny walking her
tiny poodle around the block. The bitch must die! You run after
her screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs. Her face
contorts in panic and she grabs a Glock .9mm out of her purse.
You scream, jump back and try to run, but granny isn't having
it!
"Thought you could off me, huh? Ya sonuvabitch!" she
yells passionately, while unloading two bullets into you—one
in each butt cheek. You fall to the ground and turn on your
side. She uses this opportunity to kick your nuts a few times.
Then, as you clutch them in pain, her dog mistakes your face
for a fire-hydrant. After she leaves, you lie there and pray for
death. It doesn't come, but the police do.
They arrest you, but it's not such a bad thing. At least
you'll get some medical attention, and you'll have plenty of
time to write in prison.
HOW TO SEEM SMART
Even though you will, over the course of my numerous lessons,
become much smarter than you are now, you'll still be fairly
stupid. Which is okay, since advancement in human society is
based not on how intelligent you are, but how intelligent you
can seem to those handing out social promotions.
"I
don't
understand,
Amazing
Atheist!
BLaaaaaarrGGGHH! Why come is I be so dumb?"
It's okay. I'll simplify it for you:
You are stupid. The Amazing Atheist is smart. But if
you follow his instructions to a T you can at least seem smart
to others. Thus, your position in the social hierarchy will rise
faster than your dick at the sight of any sort of farm animal.
VOCABULARY
A timeless method for seeming smarter than you could ever
hope to be is to use incredibly complicated language to
communicate any task. For example:
Concise Language: "My friends and I will go to the store and
get some food."
'Genius' Language: "Presently, myself and some
acquaintances shall embark upon a journey to the local
market in the pursuit of reasonably priced sustenance to sate
our appetites in the immediate and for a period of days
forthcoming.”
Sure, people won't understand what you're saying, but you'll
seem smart to them because you used lots of really big words.
This is because they, like you, are stupid and have no concept
as to what actually constitutes intelligence.
SILENCE
Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is better to keep your mouth
shut
you were a little kid and would sell your body to the local sex
offender. That's okay though, you're going to be a filthy
stinking-ass rich writer soon. You’ll show that fucking M!
You’ll never put him in any of your stories! There wont be any
M’s in your stories! No sir!
On your way out the door your phone rings. You pick it
up. It's your boss wondering where you were all day. You tell
him to go fuck himself up the ass with a big, floppy, rubber
dick. You hang up the phone and giggle at your cleverness.
You feel better all ready.
A few hours later, you're back with your brand new,
deluxe, limited addition XK-33 with an ultimum 666 processor
and a flat-screen monitor. The side of the box reads, THE
OFFICIAL COMPUTER OF SATAN. You smile and nod with
self-approval at you excellent purchase. You bring it into your
work room (formerly called the bathroom) and plug that bad
boy in. It explodes into flames and burns down your apartment
complex, killing two and injury twenty. You are badly burned,
but the paramedics tell you that your insurance has expired.
No biggie! The burns don't hurt that much, and you're
sure you can sleep at a friend’s house until you get back on
your feet. And tomorrow you can go back to that computer
shop and give them Hell! You hop in your car. It won't start.
Who cares? It’s a nice night for walking anyway.
After a few hours (during which you could not locate one
working payphone) you arrive at your friend apartment. He is
not home. You begin to feel a bit angry and decide to mutilate
the first person you see. You spot and old granny walking her
tiny poodle around the block. The bitch must die! You run after
her screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs. Her face
contorts in panic and she grabs a Glock .9mm out of her purse.
You scream, jump back and try to run, but granny isn't having
it!
"Thought you could off me, huh? Ya sonuvabitch!" she
yells passionately, while unloading two bullets into you—one
in each butt cheek. You fall to the ground and turn on your
side. She uses this opportunity to kick your nuts a few times.
Then, as you clutch them in pain, her dog mistakes your face
for a fire-hydrant. After she leaves, you lie there and pray for
death. It doesn't come, but the police do.
They arrest you, but it's not such a bad thing. At least
you'll get some medical attention, and you'll have plenty of
time to write in prison.
HOW TO SEEM SMART
Even though you will, over the course of my numerous lessons,
become much smarter than you are now, you'll still be fairly
stupid. Which is okay, since advancement in human society is
based not on how intelligent you are, but how intelligent you
can seem to those handing out social promotions.
"I
don't
understand,
Amazing
Atheist!
BLaaaaaarrGGGHH! Why come is I be so dumb?"
It's okay. I'll simplify it for you:
You are stupid. The Amazing Atheist is smart. But if
you follow his instructions to a T you can at least seem smart
to others. Thus, your position in the social hierarchy will rise
faster than your dick at the sight of any sort of farm animal.
VOCABULARY
A timeless method for seeming smarter than you could ever
hope to be is to use incredibly complicated language to
communicate any task. For example:
Concise Language: "My friends and I will go to the store and
get some food."
'Genius' Language: "Presently, myself and some
acquaintances shall embark upon a journey to the local
market in the pursuit of reasonably priced sustenance to sate
our appetites in the immediate and for a period of days
forthcoming.”
Sure, people won't understand what you're saying, but you'll
seem smart to them because you used lots of really big words.
This is because they, like you, are stupid and have no concept
as to what actually constitutes intelligence.
SILENCE
Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is better to keep your mouth
shut
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