Texts from Jane Eyre

Texts from Jane Eyre Read Free

Book: Texts from Jane Eyre Read Free
Author: Mallory Ortberg
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tone I mean
One round of cholera in the tropics would sear
 that sarcasm right out of you
     guess I really missed out 
     Guess so 

Sherlock Holmes
     this is quite a puzzle, Watson 
     damned right, Holmes
hell of a puzzle
what I want to know is how did the vicar know the archbishop’s
  Pekingese had developed an immunity to snake bites?
     there’s only one thing we’re missing
 only one thing we need that will help us solve this case
     we need to question Lady Emily again 
     no, Watson 
     oh
it’s not
  …
     COCAINE, WATSON 
     ah 
     we’re going to need loads of cocaine
 SCADS of it

     Sherlock, the others are already on their way
  We’ve got to meet them at the museum
     I yes
yes yes yes definitely for yes will be there
just give me five minutes for an errand
to do
 five minutes
     Sherlock please don’t
Sherlock?
Christ
at least tell me where you are
  so I can come get you

     I’m sorry Lestrade
I don’t think he’s coming
I’ve tried calling him but he’s not picking up
it’s snowing
  and I don’t think he took a coat with him

     JOHN
JOHN
DID YOU KNOW
THEY MAKE COCAINE
 THAT YOU CAN SMOKE
     good god Sherlock where have you been 
     you can just smoke it
 it’s incredible
     tell me where you are and I’ll come get you 
     they call it crack and it’s marvelous 
     just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you 
     I’M NEVER LEAVING
 do you have any idea how much cocaine they have here
     I imagine quite a lot 
     QUITE A LOT
you can bring me my violin if you want
 and my hat
     do you want anything else? 
     no
just the violin and my hat and a big old mess of cocaine
 that’s all I need
     what about the mystery 
     hang all mysteries
the only mystery I want to solve
is how much cocaine I can fit in my face
the mystery of how much face cocaine I can have
 that’s the mystery for me

Emily Dickinson
     I saw –
Today –
 a Cricket Man,
     okay 
     he did not stop to Chat — 
     is that it
  did anything else happen
     No – 
     let’s go out tonight okay
we don’t have to do anything big but I think we should go out
just for dinner or something
  I think that would be a good idea
     Go out, Again? -
 I went Out to Mount Holyoke
     for college
  you went there for college thirteen years ago
     And now I must rest. 

     have you seen –
 my Shawl
     which shawl 
     the White shawl 
     I thought you were wearing your white shawl 
     a person can have more than one white Shawl
 a person cannot be content with but one white Shawl
     i think i saw it downstairs 
     Alas 
     just on the couch 
     You know I do not go downed Stairs
 I will knit a new one
     that’s ridiculous 
     when I die
I wish to be buried in that Shawl
 I wish to be buried — in ten Thousand Shawls –
     you’re not dying
  you’re just afraid of the stairs
     No Coward Soul Is Mine
 I fear no Step’d Floor
     do you want me to just bring it to you 
     if you are already going to be coming Upstairs
will you also grab my slippers by the Door
 and also –
     yes? 
     some — Tea 
     okay 
     also there are four more Shawls on the stairs
 bring those too

     A narrow Fellow in the Grass
 Occasionally rides —
     do you mean Harris?
  the caretaker?
     You may have met Him — 
     That’s Harris 
     His notice sudden is — 
     have you been hiding in the yard again? 
     he is snakes 
     He is not snakes 
     he is definitely Snakes 
     you know it scares the maids when you hide in the yard 
     A Burdock – clawed my Gown 
     Emily 
     A Bird came down the Walk
 A Rat Surrendered here
     Emily none of this is true 
     Fame is a Bee 
     I can see you from the window
  nothing’s clawing at you or surrendering
     a soft Sea is washing around the house
 I haven’t told the Garden yet
     Emily why don’t you come inside 
     A Toad can die of Light, you know 
     I know
why don’t you come inside
  I’ll

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