go enroll in a convent. You think I don't have better things to do? I don't have better ways to spend my off hours than to listen to some nowhere cunt try out cute bits on me? I mean why don't you just cleanyour fucking act up, Missy. You're living in a city in 1976. (Pause.) Am I getting through to you?
JOAN : I think I'd like to be left alone.
BERNIE : Ah, you're breaking my heart. My fucking heart is pumping pisswater for you. You're torturing me with your pain and aloofness. You know that?
JOAN : I'm terribly sorry.
BERNIE : Sorry don't mean shit. You're a grown woman, behave like it for chrissakes. Huh? I mean, what the fuck do you think society is, just a bunch of rules strung together for your personal pleasure?
JOAN : Sometimes I think I'm not a very nice person.
BERNIE : You flatter yourself, ( JOAN rises.) So where are you going now?
JOAN : My little boy is sick, and I really should be getting home.
BERNIE : Cockteaser.
JOAN : I beg your pardon?
BERNIE : You heard me.
JOAN : I have never been called that in my life.
BERNIE : Well, you just lost your cherry.
JOAN : I . . . I find that very insulting.
BERNIE : Go get a lawyer, bitch. Go get a writ, you got yourself a case.
( Pause.)
JOAN (sits down again): I . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry if I was being rude to you.
BERNIE : Oh, you're sorry if you were being rude to me.
JOAN : Yes.
BERNIE : You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve. (Rises, calls for check, exits.)
At work , DAN and BERNARD are at work. They are filing.
BERNIE : The main thing, Dan . . .
DANNY : Yes?
BERNIE : The main thing about broads . . .
DANNY : Yes?
BERNIE : Is two things. One: The Way to Get Laid is to Treat ‘Em Like Shit . . .
DANNY : Yeah . . .
BERNIE : . . . and Two: Nothing . . . nothing makes you so attractive to the opposite sex as getting your rocks off on a regular basis.
The Library , DEB is seated, working , DAN cruises her and so on.
DANNY : Hi.
DEBORAH : Hello.
DANNY : I saw you at the Art Institute.
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : I remembered your hair.
DEBORAH : Hair memory.
DANNY : You were in the Impressionists room. (Pause.) Monet . . . (Pause.)
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : You're very attractive. I like the way you look. (Pause.) You were drawing in charcoal. It was nice. (Pause.) Are you a student at the Art Institute?
DEBORAH : No, I work.
DANNY : Work, huh? . . . work. (Pause.) I'll bet you're good at it. (Pause.) Is someone taking up a lot of your time these days?
DEBORAH : You mean a man?
DANNY : Yes, a man.
DEBORAH : I'm a Lesbian. (Pause.)
DANNY : As a physical preference, or from political beliefs?
BERNARD'S apartment . BERNARD is seated in front of the television at three in the morning.
TV: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. If, on the other hand, you apply for a personal loan, all sorts of circumstantial evidence is required. I wonder if any mathematician has done serious research on the efficacity of prayer. For example: you're walking down the street thinking “God, if I don't get laid tonight, I don't know what all!” (A common form of prayer) And all of a sudden, WHAM! (Pause.) Perhaps you do get laid, or perhaps you get hit by a cab, or perhaps you meet the man or woman of your persuasion. But the prayer is uttered—yes it is—solely as a lamentation, and with no real belief in its causal properties.
When you don't get laid, tomorrow's prayer has the extra added oomph of involuntary continence. But if you do get laid—think on that a moment, will you? If you do manage to moisten the old wick, how many people would stop, before, during or after, and give thanks to a just creator?
DAN and DEB are in bed at his apartment .
DANNY : Well.
DEBORAH : Well.
DANNY : Yeah, well, hey . . . uh . . . (Pause.) I feel great. (Pause.) You?
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : Yup. (Pause.) You, uh, you have to go to work (you work, right?) ( DEB nods.) You have to go to work tomorrow?
DEBORAH : Yes. Well . . .
DANNY :
JOAN : I think I'd like to be left alone.
BERNIE : Ah, you're breaking my heart. My fucking heart is pumping pisswater for you. You're torturing me with your pain and aloofness. You know that?
JOAN : I'm terribly sorry.
BERNIE : Sorry don't mean shit. You're a grown woman, behave like it for chrissakes. Huh? I mean, what the fuck do you think society is, just a bunch of rules strung together for your personal pleasure?
JOAN : Sometimes I think I'm not a very nice person.
BERNIE : You flatter yourself, ( JOAN rises.) So where are you going now?
JOAN : My little boy is sick, and I really should be getting home.
BERNIE : Cockteaser.
JOAN : I beg your pardon?
BERNIE : You heard me.
JOAN : I have never been called that in my life.
BERNIE : Well, you just lost your cherry.
JOAN : I . . . I find that very insulting.
BERNIE : Go get a lawyer, bitch. Go get a writ, you got yourself a case.
( Pause.)
JOAN (sits down again): I . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry if I was being rude to you.
BERNIE : Oh, you're sorry if you were being rude to me.
JOAN : Yes.
BERNIE : You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve. (Rises, calls for check, exits.)
At work , DAN and BERNARD are at work. They are filing.
BERNIE : The main thing, Dan . . .
DANNY : Yes?
BERNIE : The main thing about broads . . .
DANNY : Yes?
BERNIE : Is two things. One: The Way to Get Laid is to Treat ‘Em Like Shit . . .
DANNY : Yeah . . .
BERNIE : . . . and Two: Nothing . . . nothing makes you so attractive to the opposite sex as getting your rocks off on a regular basis.
The Library , DEB is seated, working , DAN cruises her and so on.
DANNY : Hi.
DEBORAH : Hello.
DANNY : I saw you at the Art Institute.
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : I remembered your hair.
DEBORAH : Hair memory.
DANNY : You were in the Impressionists room. (Pause.) Monet . . . (Pause.)
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : You're very attractive. I like the way you look. (Pause.) You were drawing in charcoal. It was nice. (Pause.) Are you a student at the Art Institute?
DEBORAH : No, I work.
DANNY : Work, huh? . . . work. (Pause.) I'll bet you're good at it. (Pause.) Is someone taking up a lot of your time these days?
DEBORAH : You mean a man?
DANNY : Yes, a man.
DEBORAH : I'm a Lesbian. (Pause.)
DANNY : As a physical preference, or from political beliefs?
BERNARD'S apartment . BERNARD is seated in front of the television at three in the morning.
TV: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. If, on the other hand, you apply for a personal loan, all sorts of circumstantial evidence is required. I wonder if any mathematician has done serious research on the efficacity of prayer. For example: you're walking down the street thinking “God, if I don't get laid tonight, I don't know what all!” (A common form of prayer) And all of a sudden, WHAM! (Pause.) Perhaps you do get laid, or perhaps you get hit by a cab, or perhaps you meet the man or woman of your persuasion. But the prayer is uttered—yes it is—solely as a lamentation, and with no real belief in its causal properties.
When you don't get laid, tomorrow's prayer has the extra added oomph of involuntary continence. But if you do get laid—think on that a moment, will you? If you do manage to moisten the old wick, how many people would stop, before, during or after, and give thanks to a just creator?
DAN and DEB are in bed at his apartment .
DANNY : Well.
DEBORAH : Well.
DANNY : Yeah, well, hey . . . uh . . . (Pause.) I feel great. (Pause.) You?
DEBORAH : Uh huh.
DANNY : Yup. (Pause.) You, uh, you have to go to work (you work, right?) ( DEB nods.) You have to go to work tomorrow?
DEBORAH : Yes. Well . . .
DANNY :
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