Reasons Mommy Drinks Read Free Page B

it
is “lose it.” On top of which, Mommy hasn’t picked up her Venus Embrace razor in three weeks, and her last bikini wax was just before you were born.

    INGREDIENTS
    ⅓ ounce Amaretto
    ⅓ ounce coffee liqueur
    ⅓ ounce Irish cream
    INSTRUCTIONS
    Combine all the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into a shot glass. Make another for your partner and enjoy simultaneously. Just like old times!
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Some women at Mommy Group complain that their babies are not sleeping through the night. “My Liam wakes up once in a twelve-hour period! We’re going to have to hire a night doula.” What. The. Fuck. Not only will you not sleep through the night, you’re up every two hours. Mommy has been forced to replace actual restorative shut-eye with caffeine and carbs. She was going to max out a college savings plan so you could go to Harvard, but at $10 a pop for a Venti and an artisanal cheese scone, it looks like you’ll be going to the First Choice Haircutters Academy. To add insult to injury, after desperately attempting to nurse you to sleep last night, you puked Linda Blair–style down her threadbare Bravado bra. Mommy was too exhausted to do anything about it, so she spent the night in someone else’s vomit. Memories of spring break in Cancún. Although being up all night then was by choice. (And awesome.)

    INGREDIENTS
    5 ounces hot coffee
    1 ounce coffee liqueur
    ½ ounce tequila
    INSTRUCTIONS
    Pour the coffee in a mug, add the coffee liqueur and tequila, and stir. Enjoy your much-needed caffeine fix hot and steamy, just like that night on the beach with Ernesto. Or was it Todd? Not important. Vacation flings don’t count toward your “number.”
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

The time has come for Mommy’s mandatory “bring the baby to the office” trip. Mommy carefully scheduled the visit around your nursing schedule, as her lack of skill with the Hooter Hider would inevitably lead to a traumatic nipple-flashing-the-CFO incident. Mommy’s in-box has been overflowing with emails about how excited everyone is to meet you, although she knows they’re actually just dying to see how much of her baby weight she’s lost. None of her business casual wear fits, so Mommy had to truck it to Banana Republic yesterday to buy a half-price polyester dress she’ll never wear again and take her MAC Studio Fix out of hiding. Mommy will put on her best “really interested” face as she’s updated on the latest office politics and fiscal-year market share progress, while secretly dreaming about the
Downton Abbey
episode on her DVR. As you’re passed around from one colleague to the next, she’ll also try to block out what she recently read about keyboards being five times germier than toilet seats. Mommy really hopes you don’t cry, unless it’s when she’s caught in conversation with that guy from accounting who can’t read social cues.

    INGREDIENTS
    ½ ounce pineapple rum
    ½ ounce light rum
    6 ounces lemon-lime soda
    INSTRUCTIONS
    Chill a cocktail glass and fill it with ice. Add all the ingredients and stir. Enjoy while celebrating the fact that you can wear pajamas 24/7.
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

When Mommy was pregnant, she was basically living in a Pantene commercial with her long, luscious locks. For some wonderful reason, nature offsets swollen ankles and stretch marks with thick, lustrous hair. It was a Rapunzel-fest. But now it’s
Meet the Klumps
in her shower drain. She’s finding hair everywhere—her clothes, the furniture—and her hairbrush looks like a hamster got caught in it. Today she found a strand wrapped around your pinky finger, cutting off your circulation. Apparently Mommy is losing up to five hundred strands a day. She feels like G.I. Jane’s flabby postpartum sister. Remember when Sinead O’Connor shaved off all her hair, then went postal on
Saturday Night Live
and tore up a picture of the pope? Lack of hair can make women go crazy.