The Book of New Family Traditions Read Free

we experience our families and demonstrate hands-on love for our children.
    Intuitively, we know this is good, and we consciously pass down beloved traditions from our own childhoods. But the power of ritual and the need for it are far stronger than we realize. Anthropologists have never found a human culture without ritual!
    Even the most bewildered new mom quickly realizes that her baby gets calmer with a settled routine for sleeping, eating, and other activities. And if you start singing a funny little song every time you get ready to dip her in the baby tub, she starts cooing in anticipation: The two of you are in a private sorority, and she loves knowing the secret handshake. Through rituals and traditions as simple as this, you are building the bond of your joined identity, defining your relationship by acting it out.
    There’s no question that creating and sustaining family traditions takes effort. But if you enter into ritual making with an understanding of its awesome, multiple benefits, you will never want to stop.
    Comfort and security are two of the most important benefits of early ritual, and these are not just things we need as babies.
    Rituals also provide a sense of identity: Religious families build their beliefs into every tradition from high holidays to bedtime prayers. Sports-crazed families often have sports-related rituals, whereas musical families sing together. Children grow up feeling Mexican or Chinese partly because of ethnic celebrations and ritual foods. Kids who grow up feeling close to their extended families are those who regularly attend family reunions, or go to “cousins camp” at Grandma’s every summer.
    Next to rituals of celebration, which include birthdays and holidays, the biggest category is probably rituals that help children handle transitions. Bedtime rituals, for one, are all about helping infants and children to switch gears from activity and togetherness to stillness and solitude.
    But there is so much more going on. Rituals need to be conscious because they also pass on our values. That’s why many families add rituals of philanthropy to their holiday festivities and don’t just focus on gift giving. I interviewed members of one Jewish family that was so wedded to living their values about donating 10 percent of income to charity that they actually had a ritual of donating 10 percent of their Monopoly money when they passed Go in the game. No, that pretend money didn’t heal a sick person or feed a hungry one, but it was a ritual reminder of what mattered to them, threaded through their family lives.
    Rituals can also be designed to teach practical skills, as in families where the kids take turns makingSunday dinner—even if they start off serving peanut butter sandwiches.
    Savvy parents realize early that one of the most practical uses of ritual is in problem solving. Do the kids bicker constantly? Create a tension-diffusion ritual. Having a crisis every time you drop your toddler off at day care? Design a good-bye ritual that helps him feel loved but independent, ready to explore new grounds.
    Ritual is also an important tool in helping families heal in times of stress or loss, whether it’s the backyard funeral for a beloved pet or the loss of the Little League championship. Looking back on the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorism, there was a constant focus, not just on the loss, but also on the rituals of mourning and healing, from New York City Fire Department bagpipes to the planting of a million daffodils around New York City. Victims’ families handled grief with their own private rituals, as with the little boy who ran around in his backyard every night waving a burning sparkler for his dad in heaven to see.
    Ellen Galinsky, cofounder of the Families and Work Institute and the author of such books as Ask the Children , has done groundbreaking research on what kids really think of their lives and their parents. When she asked kids what they would remember most from