The Book of New Family Traditions Read Free Page B

many? What is the recipe for ritual?
    There is no minimum daily requirement of ritual prescribed by the US Department of Agriculture or child psychologists, but if I had to reduce ritual life to a formula, I’d give families three goals to meet.
    First, research and experience suggest that families should have one solid ritual of connection daily, and I’ll explain in a minute what that might look like. Second, I recommend they also plan a modest weekly family ritual. In addition, all major milestones, accomplishments, and relevant holidays deserve to be celebrated, leaving enormous leeway to individual families about which occasions they mark, and how. Third, but just as vital, I suggest applying rituals as a corrective whenever there’s a bumpy spot in the regular routine. Transitions are always tough for young children: Substituting a fun or silly ritual for a ritual of tantrums and fussing can miraculously smooth over rough patches.
    If you follow the simple guidelines above, you’ll have all the major bases covered, and anything else will be gravy. You will soon find yourself and your kids becoming attuned to ritual, to the point that when some major event occurs or is coming soon, at least one family member will pipe up to say, “We need a ritual for this!”

    Daily and Weekly Rituals of Connection
    Daily rituals of connection don’t have to take up much time and can take many forms. The important thing is that every family member gets to act or speak. Some families have breakfast together and compare their thoughts about the day ahead. Other families find it easier to connect after school each day, or at dinner or bedtime.
    The Kyger family in Virginia saves its connection ritual for dinner. After a simple Quaker grace, during which family members briefly hold hands and pray silently, each person around the table has to share something “new and good” about their day, even the teenagers. Another family has a bedtime ritual called “gratefuls and grumbles,” when the children have to come up with one of each but must end on the positive note of something for which they are grateful.
    Bobbi Conner, longtime host of the National Public Radio (NPR) program The Parent’s Journal , created her daily ritual of connection when her kids were small. It occurred right after she got home from work each evening. She writes about it in her excellent book Unplugged Play , noting that before she started doing this, her reentry time at home was extremely stressful. The kids were hungry and cranky and wanted to tell her things, but she felt pressure to put down her purse and immediately make dinner, and the tension escalated. So instead, she decided to really connect with them right after walking in the door. She would make a simple healthy snack, like apples and cheese, sit down with her children right away, and get caught up on their moods and news. Then, after everyone was reconnected, the kids happily ran off to play and Bobbi could calmly prepare a meal.
    One of my favorite family rituals of all time, and a good simple template, was created by Suzy Kellett, a divorced mother of quadruplets. Starting when the quads were in grade school, she started having a relaxed “teatime” with her kids in the evening. As they got older, teatime would move a little later, until it eventually reached 9:00 PM or so. But every night, at the designated time, her four kids would stop doing homework, hang up the phone, and gather in the family room for twenty or thirty minutes. In addition to drinking cinnamon herbal tea, the Kelletts were drinking in each other’s stories. All of us change continually, and such “check-in circles” allow us to witness one another’s transformations, while also celebrating what stays constant in our connection.
    Weekly rituals also vary widely, including weekly meetings or a designated “family night.” One family has a weekly “pizza night” at home but structures the meal to include family