Reasons Mommy Drinks Read Free Page A

least she can finally make a sandwich with two hands.

    INGREDIENTS
    ½ ounce grenadine
    1 ounce gin
    2 ounces sweet-and-sour mix
    2 ounces chilled club soda
    ½ ounce cherry brandy
    Cherry
    INSTRUCTIONS
    Pour the grenadine into the bottom of a glass and fill with ice. Add the gin, sweet-and-sour mix, and club soda. Top with the cherry brandy, stir, and garnish with a cherry.
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Sure, there are a lot of things Mommy doesn’t miss about being pregnant. Like heartburn, cankles, and three months spent hugging the toilet bowl. But pregnancy definitely had its pluses. Aside from the forty pounds of extra weight around her midsection, Mommy-to-be was a spitting image of a Victoria Secret model thanks to her double-D rack, luscious locks, and hormone-charged glow. Armed with her “baby brain” pass, she never had to sweat forgetting a best friend’s birthday or saying something stupid in a really important meeting. Now that you’re born, Mommy is yesterday’s news. She no longer walks on water and she’s finding it hard to cope. She’s wondering why all the nice strangers who used to run to her expectant side to open doors for her are always MIA when she’s struggling to jam your SUV-sized stroller through the tiny nonautomated Starbucks doorway without spilling half her extra-hot latté on your lap. The world could now care less whether you’re a boy or a girl; they just want to know what Mommy’s done to make you scream so loudly. Recently, she’s even caught herself longing for the unsolicited belly strokes that used to make her recoil. Now she has only your dirty diapers to thank for that.

    INGREDIENTS
    5 ounces cranberry juice
    1 ounce club soda
    Cherry
    INSTRUCTIONS
    Fill a tall glass with ice. Pour in the cranberry juice and club soda, and stir. Impregnate with a cherry.
    NOTE
    Break out your maternity jeggings and a basketball and enjoy this mocktail for old times’ sake.
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy feels like shit. Mommy wants to turn off all the lights, crawl under the duvet, and die. Before you were born, Mommy could call in sick and
still get paid
. But now that she’s on maternity leave, when Mommy feels like she’s been run over by a truck she can’t even take a minute off, let alone a whole day. She’s desperate for even twenty minutes of sleep, but she can’t get it because you’re teething, or you’re constipated, or you’re just being an asshole. In between cold sweats, Mommy reaches for her surefire OTC cocktail, SudafedBenylinNyquilTylenol. WARNING: Nursing mothers are screwed as meds will adversely affect milk supply . NOOOOooooo. In that moment, Mommy has delusions of getting relief by snorting bath salts. At least she’ll get to rest when you take your morning nap. Oh, you’ve dropped your morning nap today? Awesome. This is Mommy’s fault for not getting the free flu shot given to pregnant women when she had the chance.

    NOTE
    Countries across Europe have been using it as medicine for years and they always know what they’re doing! (
cough
Greece
cough
)
    HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy used to love having sex with Daddy. When you eventually ask, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” she will be tempted to respond with the truth: a trip to Agent Provocateur, a remix of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing,” and a bottle of red wine. And in the early days of pregnancy, it was still game on, thanks to raging hormones and a growing rack. But CLICHÉ ALERT: Now that she’s a Mommy, her sex life has taken a nosedive into nonexistent. She looks at her Track My Sex Life app with dread when she realizes it’s been weeks since she put out and Daddy’s getting cagey. Even though it looks like Picasso’s
Femme en Pleurs
down there, he’s still really into doing it. Maybe it’s because her boobs are porn-star huge. But if he tries to touch them after you’ve been gnawing on them all day, she will totally go for it! If the definition of
go for