Perfect Princess Read Free

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    Grandmère’s Random Act of Princess:
    Be like Rosagunde: While it is often the best strategy to kill your enemies with kindness, there may come a time when your life—or maidenhood—is in actual peril. This is why a passing knowledge of Krav Maga or karate is highly suggested for today’s modern young princesses.

II.
    A Note from
Her Royal Highness Princess Mia
    Princesses have traditionally had a lot of impact on the world of fashion, even all the way back in olden times. When Queen Elizabeth I dyed her hair red, so did all the ladies in her court.
    And when Josephine, the wife of the emperor Napoleon, started wearing these high-waisted dresses to hide her pregnancy, so did everybody else, not just in France, but all over Europe (and most of them weren’t even pregnant!).
    But I guess it sort of depends on the princess, since so far, I haven’t exactly seen a burgeoning demand around the world for Doc Marten combat boots, or anything. But hey, who knows, soon flat-chestedness and Yield-sign-shaped hair might totally come into style!
    QUEEN VICTORIA
    by Paolo, royal hairstylist and cosmetician, and Sebastiano, fashion designer and wardrobe consultant
[with commentary by Princess Mia]
    Queen Victoria was a principessa who had so profound impact on fashion during sixty years—and more!—on the English throne. Anyone who has seen the movie classicos Gone with the Wind and The King and I knows how important the hoop skirt was to both those stories—Scarlett’s kept getting caught on things, and Anna’s… well, the sight of her dancing with Yul Brenner would not impress so much if she’d be wearing one of Empress Josephine’s high-waisted muslin frocks, no?
    When the Principessa Victoria step onto the throne, all over England, small feet, they become the rage! Because the Principessa Victoria, she have the tiny feet.
    And because she is so small, the Principessa Victoria keeps ordering her skirts to be made wider and wider, so she looks more impressive in the throne room, no? Soon everyone everywhere is wearing skirts so wide, they hardly fit through the door!

    Soon a style of dress is named just for her—the Princess dress, still around today! The bustle eventually replaced the hoop skirt in popularity, but only after the principessa, she so saddened by death of her husband, Albert, she retire to the castle and won’t come out for no one. When she die, people all over the world, they cry too, because who gonna tell them what to wear now, eh? —Paolo
    Queen Vic take ver good care of her skin. She always use the soap and water and ex with sponge. That’s why she look so good.* —Sebastiano

    [*Because English is Sebastiano’s second language, he sometimes forgets the second syllables of words.
    Here he means:
    Queen Victoria took very good care of her skin, and exfoliated with a sponge.
    She also had nine children and extended the British Empire from India all the way to Melbourne. But who cares about that?
    A popular prank that my cousin Hank liked to play, back when he lived in Indiana, was to call up the local drugstore and ask them if they have Prince Albert in the can. Then when they say they do, you’re supposed to go, “Well, hadn’t you better let him out?” Prince Albert is apparently some form of chewing tobacco. He was also Queen Victoria’s husband, the one she had all the kids with. Whatever. It can get pretty boring in Indiana.]
    Mia’s Random Act of Princess:
    Be like Victoria: Invite your friends over for tea. Do the British thing and put milk in your tea instead of lemon or honey. Serve tiny cucumber sandwiches on white bread with the crusts cut off. Totally vegan AND delicious!
    PRINCIPESSA CAROLINE OF MONACO, AND HER SISTER PRINCIPESSA STEPHANIE
    Caroline and Stephanie, daughters of Prince Rainier of Monaco and Principessa Grace, (formerly Grace Kelly, the movie actress) are molto bella, just like