November Read Free

is a dollar ninety-eight a pound.
    (
He hangs up
.)
    CHARLES: Turkey is a dollar ninety-eight a pound …
    ARCHER: Yes.
    CHARLES: All right, suppose. Three hundred million people. Knock out half of them, uh, the old, the young, uh babies, vegetarians.
    ARCHER: The homeless.
    CHARLES: If each American left, simply eats one, ONE pound of turkey … knock off two-thirds, you’ve got a hundred million people. One pound at two bucks a pound. How much is that?
    ARCHER: Two hundred million dollars.
    CHARLES: That is two hundred million dollars. And these little
rascals
waltz in here with fifty grand. While my
wife
, Archie, weeps at home “can she re-cover the couch?” Get me the speech broad. I got something to say.
    ARCHER: She’s home sick.
    CHARLES: I don’t care if she’s dead. Fuck
her, all
of her brilliance.
    ARCHER: She’s sick, Charles.
    CHARLES: I don’t give a f … 
Gimme
that fucken … Get me my speechwriter.
    (
He grabs for the phone
. ARCHER
takes the phone
.)
    ARCHER: (
To intercom phone
) Send a car, please. Call Ms. Bernstein. We need … (
To
CHARLES ) Why do we need her to come in?
    CHARLES: Because I
say
so.
    ARCHER: (
To phone
) A grave matter of national security.
    (
Hangs up phone
)
    CHARLES: Tell her in
her
words: “Our capacity is only bounded by our dreams.” In
her words
. So she can just fucken bite the bullet.
    (
The phone rings
.)
    ARCHER: (
Takes phone, listens
) Can she work at home?
    CHARLES: YOU TELL THAT BROAD, if she ain’t in her
chair
ten minutes, I am puttin’ her on the
piggy
plane.
    ARCHER: Chucky …
    CHARLES: The piggy plane. I am not kidding. You think I’m kidding? Look in my eyes. AT HER DOOR, someone will be at her door.
    ARCHER: Chuck …
    CHARLES: With manacles, and what? A bag over her head. Lest she scream, and a Lear jet …
    ARCHER: Chuck …
    CHARLES: To whisk her on the piggy plane to Prybschych, Bulgaria, to spend the rest of her life as an enemy combatant. How about that?
    ARCHER: Chuck …
    (
The phone rings
. ARCHER
answers
.)
    CHARLES: Because, Arch. If I have to spend. Each moment of my working day,
explaining
…
    ARCHER: Chuck …
    CHARLES: Cajoling, reassuring, and
supervising
the work I would have assumed
done
, then …
    ARCHER: Chuck.
    CHARLES: Then, it’s time for a change.
    ARCHER: Chuck.
    CHARLES: I know what everybody thinks. Chuck Smith. Who is he? He’s an empty suit. Ha-ha. Let him indulge his penchant for …
    ARCHER:  … Chuck …
    CHARLES:  … for “rhetoric,” for “bombast.” Isn’t it cute how he …
    ARCHER: (
Of phone
) Chuck. It’s the guy from Iran.
    CHARLES:  … takes everything to heart. Old grandpa. Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh.
    ARCHER: (
Of phone
) It’s the guy from Iran.
    CHARLES: Put his ass right on hold. (
Pause
. ARCHER
starts to speak
.) No. I will deal with him in due course. (
Pause
) I would like a cup of coffee. When Ms. Bernstein appears, disinfect her, as I do not wish to catch whatever cooties she’s contracted on the
plane
.… take a breath and listen to me. (
Pause
) Things. From now on. Will, in their running, more closely approximate a Swiss watch, and less and less call to mind A CLUSTER FUCK. I’m too old. I’m too tired. And, if “things” don’t, heads are going to roll. Arch. Heads are going to roll. And where they come to rest, I do not care.
    (
A second line rings
. ARCHER
answers
.)
    ARCHER: The Turkey and Poultry Association.
    CHARLES: To review, yes? How much is turkey a pound …?
    ARCHER: It’s a dollar ninety-eight.
    CHARLES: Two dollars. And so one hundred million people eating, each, one pound would be …?
    ARCHER: Two hundred million dollars.
    CHARLES: Now. Let the chucklehead waltz in here with his fifty grand. Show him in.
    ARCHER: Iran’s still holding.
    CHARLES: Arch. Theodore Roosevelt sat in this chair. Do you know what his policy was?
    ARCHER: No, Chuck.
    CHARLES: In a word. His policy was “How about that?” Show the turkey people in. Gimme his card.
    (The