November Read Free Page B

turkeys.
    BERNSTEIN: Sir, you weren’t raised in a migrant camp. You grew up in Shaker Heights.
    CHARLES:  … And you think that was a picnic? (
The phone rings
. ARCHER
answers it
.) What?
    ARCHER: It’s the Israeli ambassador. “The future of the State of Israel …”
    CHARLES: (
Takes phone
) What? Iran has not launched … I… Iran has not … (
To
ARCHER ) Get my wife on the phone. (
To phone
) Iran has … Look: you people, got along without a country for two thousand years. You’re gonna be fine. All right?
    (
Pause
.)
    BERNSTEIN: Sir, my baby …
    CHARLES: (
To
TURKEY GUY ) This office has not raised its fee for twenty years. One turkey, fifty grand, but, but, you want me now to cut my price in half. And pardon not one, but two … and here’s one for you: IS IT A CRIME?
    TURKEY GUY: Mist …
    CHARLES: Being a turkey? Is it a crime?
    TURKEY GUY: Sir, the country understands the gesture as one of, of, of, of “whimsy.”
    CHARLES: But they, I believe, have overlooked the underlying logic of the case.
    (
The phone rings
.)
    ARCHER: (
To phone
) Yes? (To CHARLES ) Chuck … It’s your wife.
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) Can you keep your trap shut about things that I tell you in confidence. (
He hangs up
.) I pardon your turkeys, what does that imply? That the birds I
haven’t
pardoned, the turkeys each American actually eats, on Thanksgiving, are criminals?
    TURKEY GUY: I…
    CHARLES: And you know what, perhaps I do not have the
power
to pardon turkeys.
    TURKEY GUY: Sir, Presidents since World War Two have pardoned turkeys.
    CHARLES: At what cost.
    TURKEY GUY: (
Pause
) Sir …
    ARCHER: What did you give ’em?
    TURKEY GUY: Sir, if you would like us to consider raising our organization’s stipend, to your, your …
    CHARLES: Oh good. Now we’re getting somewhere. Archer?
    ARCHER: Sir?
    CHARLES: Do I have the power to pardon turkeys?
Ask
me.
    ARCHER: Mister President? Can you pardon turkeys?
    CHARLES: Not for one hundred thousand dollars.
    TURKEY GUY: One hundred?
    CHARLES: Fifty grand a bird.
    TURKEY GUY: All right.
    CHARLES: No, I said
not
for one hundred thousand dollars. That’s the old price.
    TURKEY GUY: Fifty grand was the old price.
    CHARLES: Times one turkey. Times two that would be a hundred—That’s the old price. Do I hear an increase on the old price?
    TURKEY GUY: One hundred fifty thousand.
    CHARLES: I don’t think so.
    TURKEY GUY: One eighty-five.
    CHARLES: In cash.
    TURKEY GUY: Yes, Sir …
    (
The phone rings
. TURKEY GUY
extends his hand
. CHARLES
checks his info card
.)
    CHARLES: (
To
TURKEY GUY ) Give my best to Betty …
    ( ARCHER
answers, listens
.)
    ARCHER: (
Pause
) Hold the phone.
    CHARLES: Yes.
    ARCHER: The price of turkey was quoted at two dollars a pound.
    CHARLES: Yes …?
    ARCHER: That’s “on the bird.”
    CHARLES: What else could it be?
    ARCHER: Pre-sliced.
    CHARLES: What is it pre-sliced?!
    ARCHER: Between seven and eleven dollars.
    CHARLES: (
To exiting
TURKEY GUY ) Stop right there.
    TURKEY GUY: Sir?
    CHARLES: Let’s start again. Seven dollars a pound times three hundred
million
people does not equal, one hundred eighty-five grand.
    TURKEY GUY: What does it equal?
    CHARLES: You tell me.
    TURKEY GUY: You want me to bid against myself?
    CHARLES: How
dare
you use such language in this sacred office.
    TURKEY GUY: I beg your pardon. Tell me what you require.
    CHARLES: I want a number so high even dogs can’t hear it. Are you cogitating? (
Pause
)
    TURKEY GUY: I am.
    CHARLES: And where have your deliberations led you?
    TURKEY GUY: “No.”
    CHARLES: “No”—to your Commander in Chief?
    TURKEY GUY: Yes.
    CHARLES: In
wartime
…
    TURKEY GUY:  … I…
    CHARLES: Okay—that’s treason.
    TURKEY GUY:
Treason?
    CHARLES: Under my wartime powers? You bet your ass.
    TURKEY GUY: You know what, I don’t
think
so. You know why? You’re
dead
.
    CHARLES: I’m
dead
… ?
    TURKEY GUY: Your numbers are lower than Gandhi’s cholesterol, and, after the election, we’ll