November Read Free Page A

TURKEY GUY
comes in
. ARCHER
hands
CHARLES
a card
. CHARLES
reads it
.)
    TURKEY GUY: Mister P…
    CHARLES: Siddown. (
Re card
) You still, what is this … cultivating fighting fish?
    TURKEY GUY: Yes, Sir, I…
    CHARLES: And how is “Betty?”—Now, we’ve got
that
out of the way … (
Puts card away
.)
    (
The phone rings
. ARCHER
answers
.)
    ARCHER: (
To phone
) Yes …?
    TURKEY GUY: Mister …
    ARCHER: (
Of phone
) It’s that fellow we were speaking of.
    CHARLES: (
To
TURKEY GUY ) Siddown …
    TURKEY GUY: Sir. I cannot express our great sense of …
    CHARLES: Get to it.
    TURKEY GUY: Honor, and …
    ARCHER: We’re rather busy.
    TURKEY GUY: Yes. Of course, Sir. In the past …
    CHARLES: Fuck the past. We’re going to start anew. Don’t you think?
    TURKEY GUY: Absss …
    (
The phone rings
. ARCHER
answers
.)
    ARCHER: It’s the fellow from Iran. He’s denying the rumor that he has launched missiles.
    CHARLES: Who told anyone he had launched missiles?
    ARCHER: You told your wife.
    CHARLES:
Christ
that woman is a gossip … (
Pause
) Tell him it’s cool, big mistake, and I’ll take care of it. (
To
TURKEY GUY ) Now: my friend. I would like to bring your attention to some simple facts.
    TURKEY GUY: Of course, Sir.
    CHARLES: You ready?
    TURKEY GUY: Yes. Sir. I am.
    CHARLES: There are: How many people in this country? (
To
ARCHER )
    ARCHER: Three hundred million, several odd hundred th …
    CHARLES: Say three hundred million. On
Thanksgiving
.
    TURKEY GUY: Yes, Sir.
    CHARLES: How many, would you say, “eat turkey”?
    TURKEY GUY:
All
of them …?
    CHARLES: That would be yummy, but, let’s say, purpose of argument, one hundred million. Zat sound? Fair to all concerned?
    TURKEY GUY: Yes, Sir.
    CHARLES: How much is turkey a pound?
    TURKEY GUY: I…
    CHARLES: This morning. At the opening bell. Turkey at the supermarket. “Turkey” could be had for …?
    TURKEY GUY: Well. Well, Sir, I. I don’t know, regional discrepancies …
    CHARLES: Don’t fuck with me.
    ARCHER: How much is turkey a pound?
    TURKEY GUY: “A” turkey …
    CHARLES: Do you know where Prondachzeck, Bulgaria is?
    TURKEY GUY: No, Sir.
    CHARLES: Nobody does. (
Pause
) Just five guys. Who work for me. (
Pause
) And the fellas who they
take
there … (
Pause
) And leave there.
    (
The phone rings
.)
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) What? (
To
TURKEY GUY ) It’s for you …
    TURKEY GUY: Excuse me … (
To
CHARLES ) Yes. Sir, there is a woman in the anteroom, who is sneezing.
    CHARLES: How much is turkey a pound?
    TURKEY GUY: And could you issue orders that she is to be kept away from the birds?
    CHARLES: How much is turkey a pound?
    TURKEY GUY: For the birds, Sir, have been raised in
complete
isolation, under strictest standards of organic veterinary care …
    CHARLES: Yeah, okay.
    TURKEY GUY: And a woman is sneezing in the outer office.
    CHARLES: (
To phone
) Who’s sneezing? Get her in here.
    ( BERNSTEIN
enters, wearing a large, colorful Chinese amulet around her neck. She sneezes
.)
    BERNSTEIN: Mister President.
    CHARLES: Bernstein.
    (
She sneezes again
.)
    TURKEY GUY: Sir, when this person leaves, could you ask her to exit by, a route which will not place her again in proximity to my turkeys?
    CHARLES: What is it you want, pal?
    TURKEY GUY: Mister President?
    CHARLES: Quid pro quo. Quid pro quo. What do you want?
    TURKEY GUY: For you to pardon …
    CHARLES: Good! You know, many fine folks, grew up comfortable, went to college, nothing wrong with that, I however, was raised in a migrant camp. And one thing that I learned. Is Life? Life is one thing.
    ARCHER: Give and take.
    CHARLES: Give and fucken take.
    TURKEY GUY: Mist …
    CHARLES: Give and take. Way the thing lays out? You want something. I got what you want? You give, and I take. Or else you wouldn’t be here. (Re TURKEY GUY ) Bernstein?
    BERNSTEIN: Sir?
    CHARLES: What do these guys want?
    BERNSTEIN: Sir?
    CHARLES: Are you sitting down? They want me TO PARDON A TURKEY.
    TURKEY GUY: Two