Manslations Read Free

us too much credit. Most stuff can be explained using just one or two of these at a time. But you get all five, so now you'll be prepared for everything and anything.
     
    Well, except for the thing where some guys like to fart on each other. You're on your own there.
     

THE POINTY-STICK-PROBLEM-SOLVER
PRINCIPLE
    Where does male thinking come from? (And can we send it back?)
     
    Ha ha ha ha. Oh ho ho ho! Oh! Oh, you!
     
    No, but seriously. Where does male thinking come from?
     
    To explain, we have to go back to caveman times. *
     
    When there were problems in the caveman world, they were mostly physical problems. Things like, “Mother eff, is it ever cold in this cave!” or, “Holy cow, would you just look at the size of that bear that's coming into our cave. What are we going to do about this huge ani—?”
     
    So the biggest, strongest cave folks (i.e., the men) would have to run out there with clubs or sticks and do something about it. And if they couldn't, people would die, and nobody would snuggle up next to them during the long caveman nights.
     
    Or when someone said something like, “Hey, I think I'm getting hungry for dinner,” there would be grumblings about how delicious that elk had looked yesterday, all antlery and jumpy aroundy, and so unlike that bowl of twigs we had for breakfast.
     
    Once again, who had the honor of chasing down that elk and stabbing it with a pointy stick? You guessed it. The bigger, more muscled folks—the men. As a result of all of this running around, hitting, poking, hunting, etc., the male mind evolved into a problem solver. His value was based around whether or not he could do stuff about stuff with stuff.
     
    Now, fast-forward to today. Men are still trying to solve problems. But the problems are different. We almost never battle with wild animals anymore. (Probably for the best, if you think about it. I've seen TV shows where some creature gets loose at a zoo or something and battles with a human. It almost always goes badly for whichever one happens to be wearing the polo shirt.)
     
    So with no giant beasts to fight, when a woman says something like, “I feel fat,” the man will snap into action and attempt to poke the problem to death with the pointy stick of his little mind, telling her how she is not fat—what is she, crazy ?—she's perfect just the way she is—what is she talking about “fat”? Even when, wow, she sure is.
     
    In the cave-ish portion of his brain, the man has defined a problem (“Something's wrong—we aren't watching football”), and he's working feverishly on a solution (“Please, what can I say so we can stop talking about this in time for the fourth quarter”).
     
    This ancient style of problem solving doesn't always help a man become very good at thinking of a solution today, especially since your garden-variety modern problem isn't going to require a spear. (Though God knows I've had moments on the subway when I'm positive that a spear would help.) Sometimes his “problem-solver side” goes after the wrong thing entirely and needs some help.
     
    You might see this when you're discussing a problem with your man. You're talking about work; you're frustrated; you're feeling underappreciated; you're upset with your boss; and you're not sure if you even want this job anyway. What's your man doing? Listing off eleven different ways you could make this situation better. And you want to kill him because HE'S NOT LISTENING…
     
    Well, he is listening. Just not in the way you need. He has identified what he feels is the appropriate elk (your job problems) ripe for the stick-poking (getting you a different job, telling your boss you want a transfer, whatever).
     
    Solution? Give him a different elk. Tell him, “I have a problem, and I need your help. What I need most is for you to just listen to me, let me vent, and don't try to solve the problem yet. That will really help me.” He'll poke and club that problem to death like you