Manslations Read Free Page B

go crazy about tools. They have a function. They do. The broad, stereotypical female reaction to a thing is to ask what it means, or its significance.
     
    Take, for example, the humble thank-you card. The thank-you card is primarily designed for its meaning, and as a result, men are not the best gender at remembering to send them (though in our defense, we're in the top two). Nor do we really care about receiving them. We just don't get it.
     
    The reason is that they don't do anything. Whenever I get one of these cards from someone, I never know what I'm supposed to do with it. I'm always thinking, “What are we up to here? What is this card supposed to get me to do? She already said thank you in person. So what's this about? What was wrong with that thank you? Should I acknowledge this card? Am I supposed to send a card back to her, thanking her for this card that thanked me? When does it stop? Am I in trouble?” And then I need to go to bed.
     
    Now, most women just assume that this is a nice, meaningful thing to do, to show someone that you are grateful, that you care, that whatever you're thanking them for meant something to you.
     
    For me, and for a lot of men, thank-you cards are like vitamins. I'm not sure what they do; I don't really understand them; but I'm pretty sure I have to use them or else something vaguely bad might happen. (The difference, of course, is that failure to use one of these things might result in someone's feelings being hurt, and in the other case, my gums might fall out or something.)
     
    The next two sections are the biggest, most important things ever. Ever? Yes, ever. If you can really take this stuff in, you're going to cut down on the “ what the hell is he thinking ” part of your life drastically. You'll have so much free time on your hands, you'll be able to knit a twenty-foot image of me and use it as a slipcover for your garage. (Or you could do something not creepy. Your choice!)
     

THE MANSLATOR'S GOLDEN RULE
    On my website, I get all kinds of questions from women complaining that a man is sending them “mixed signals.”
     
    Here are a few examples:
     
He says, “I had a great time—I'll call you,” but then doesn't.
He says, “No, nothing's wrong,” but he won't spend any time with you.
He says he wants a “real relationship,” but you only hear from him at 3:00 a.m., when he's drunk and wants to come over for sex.
He says noncommittal things or not much at all, but he keeps finding reasons to spend time with you.
He says he's psyched to hang out with your friends but constantly “forgets” what night you're getting together with them and makes other plans.
    None of these situations are mysterious to a man. Any man can tell you without hesitation that these signals aren't mixed, blended, or even lightly stirred. In fact, most men wouldn't even know what could possibly have confused you.
     
    Here's the Manslator's Golden Rule, which will solve all of these “puzzles.”
     
    Ready?
     
    Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says.
     
    Okay, now read it again. Yes, I do mean “always.” If you can really understand this much about your man, you'll probably know even more about him than he does.
     
    See, we males don't always know what's going on with us any better than you do. Hell, when we're talking about how we think or feel, we're barely listening ourselves. A decent percentage of what we say in those situations is going to be a load of crap that we're throwing out there in hopes that by saying it, it will be true. But our behavior? That doesn't lie.
     
    Imagine your dog. Good, now imagine somebody else's dog. Excellent! What a good imagination you have.
     
    No, but seriously, think of a dog when it's happy. Now, is it hard to “read” what's going on with that dog? Not really. That dog might not even know he's happy, but you sure know it. Same with men, except we can talk. Plus we