sweeter the juice. (They exchange some dap.)
Lauren shook her head so much, her neck hurt. Todd said this script is a little over the top. He’s dead wrong. This script is over the abyss and falling like a cartoon anvil.
LAUREN
Is it true that when their hair gets wet, it smells like a wet puppy?
SHARON
Yes, girl. Joe Bob’s hair smelled like mildew and Grandma’s draws. And white men’s ashy skin smells like onions sometimes, and not the good kind of onions, either. And they have absolutely no table manners. They eat food that hits the floor, just like the puppy dogs they are. And the only thing they can cook is Hamburger Helper. At least they can always get you a cab in this city. (Shared laughter.) But they love to go down there, girl.
LAUREN
Why?
SHARON
Evidently, it’s the only way a white woman can have an orgasm.
And now we’ve lost the white women, Lauren thought. This just has to be a joke now. Todd sent me this script to cheer me up in some twisted way. No one on earth would ever take this script seriously. She stared at the ceiling. No, Todd wouldn’t send me anything unless it was real. She looked back at the script and sighed. I just wish he hadn’t sent this piece of crap.
LAUREN
Oh. (Smiles.) Then Marcus’s secretary ain’t never gonna have an orgasm, cuz Marcus never did none of that. (Slaps hands with Sharon.)
SHARON
But a white man isn’t that big or long, girl. Just warning you.
LAUREN
I hear they have girth, and that’s enough for me.
SHARON
Yeah, the one I was with had some girth. He didn’t know how to use it, though.
Girth? Lauren thought. Can they say girth on TV? This can’t be for regular TV. This has to be for some late-night show only the truly desperate would ever watch.
LAUREN
How’d you meet him?
SHARON
I hung out where white guys hang out. Grocery stores, in the meat section. Electronics stores. Bowling alleys. Softball fields. Golf courses. Church.
LAUREN
Yeah, no brothers goin’to church these days. Where’d you meet your white boy?
And now we’ve lost any church folks, not that they’d ever tune in to this filth, Lauren thought. If I were the writer, I’d go into the witness protection program.
SHARON
At Stinky & Minky on Sullivan Street.
LAUREN
That old clothes store?
SHARON
It’s a vintage clothing store, Lauren. He was actually buying an old Izod jacket, if you can believe that. I said, “You want some of this?” and he said, “Cool.” (Laughs.) He actually said, “Cool.” And he had no trouble about wearing a condom, so I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant. And even if I did get pregnant, I knew I’d have a little light-skinned chocolate baby with good hair and a trust fund who could dance real good about half the time.
She didn’t just say . . . Lauren closed her eyes. Oh, my goodness. How many foolish, untrue stereotypes can we squeeze into the first five minutes? This script is trying to set a record! She opened her eyes.
The offensive lines were still there.
LAUREN
(Laughs. Gets up.)
SHARON
Where you goin’?
LAUREN
To the Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market, girl. I’m gonna go get me a white man. . . .
Lauren squeezed the script so hard, it almost tore in half. “Wow,” she said. She felt like gouging out her eyes.
Wow, she thought.
She felt like rinsing her eyes with hydrochloric acid.
No . . . way. A human being wrote this?
She looked for and found the writer listed under the title: A. Smith. Only one human being wrote this and thought it was doable. I never want to meet this person. I do not hang out with ignorant people. But somehow a television studio executive passed this ignorant script up the chain, a producer put up the money for a pilot, and a director signed on to direct. Were any people thinking when they read this disaster of a script?
I’ve read some bad scripts, but this script really sucks a rusty hubcap.
Badly.
Worse than badly.
What’s
Lauren shook her head so much, her neck hurt. Todd said this script is a little over the top. He’s dead wrong. This script is over the abyss and falling like a cartoon anvil.
LAUREN
Is it true that when their hair gets wet, it smells like a wet puppy?
SHARON
Yes, girl. Joe Bob’s hair smelled like mildew and Grandma’s draws. And white men’s ashy skin smells like onions sometimes, and not the good kind of onions, either. And they have absolutely no table manners. They eat food that hits the floor, just like the puppy dogs they are. And the only thing they can cook is Hamburger Helper. At least they can always get you a cab in this city. (Shared laughter.) But they love to go down there, girl.
LAUREN
Why?
SHARON
Evidently, it’s the only way a white woman can have an orgasm.
And now we’ve lost the white women, Lauren thought. This just has to be a joke now. Todd sent me this script to cheer me up in some twisted way. No one on earth would ever take this script seriously. She stared at the ceiling. No, Todd wouldn’t send me anything unless it was real. She looked back at the script and sighed. I just wish he hadn’t sent this piece of crap.
LAUREN
Oh. (Smiles.) Then Marcus’s secretary ain’t never gonna have an orgasm, cuz Marcus never did none of that. (Slaps hands with Sharon.)
SHARON
But a white man isn’t that big or long, girl. Just warning you.
LAUREN
I hear they have girth, and that’s enough for me.
SHARON
Yeah, the one I was with had some girth. He didn’t know how to use it, though.
Girth? Lauren thought. Can they say girth on TV? This can’t be for regular TV. This has to be for some late-night show only the truly desperate would ever watch.
LAUREN
How’d you meet him?
SHARON
I hung out where white guys hang out. Grocery stores, in the meat section. Electronics stores. Bowling alleys. Softball fields. Golf courses. Church.
LAUREN
Yeah, no brothers goin’to church these days. Where’d you meet your white boy?
And now we’ve lost any church folks, not that they’d ever tune in to this filth, Lauren thought. If I were the writer, I’d go into the witness protection program.
SHARON
At Stinky & Minky on Sullivan Street.
LAUREN
That old clothes store?
SHARON
It’s a vintage clothing store, Lauren. He was actually buying an old Izod jacket, if you can believe that. I said, “You want some of this?” and he said, “Cool.” (Laughs.) He actually said, “Cool.” And he had no trouble about wearing a condom, so I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant. And even if I did get pregnant, I knew I’d have a little light-skinned chocolate baby with good hair and a trust fund who could dance real good about half the time.
She didn’t just say . . . Lauren closed her eyes. Oh, my goodness. How many foolish, untrue stereotypes can we squeeze into the first five minutes? This script is trying to set a record! She opened her eyes.
The offensive lines were still there.
LAUREN
(Laughs. Gets up.)
SHARON
Where you goin’?
LAUREN
To the Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market, girl. I’m gonna go get me a white man. . . .
Lauren squeezed the script so hard, it almost tore in half. “Wow,” she said. She felt like gouging out her eyes.
Wow, she thought.
She felt like rinsing her eyes with hydrochloric acid.
No . . . way. A human being wrote this?
She looked for and found the writer listed under the title: A. Smith. Only one human being wrote this and thought it was doable. I never want to meet this person. I do not hang out with ignorant people. But somehow a television studio executive passed this ignorant script up the chain, a producer put up the money for a pilot, and a director signed on to direct. Were any people thinking when they read this disaster of a script?
I’ve read some bad scripts, but this script really sucks a rusty hubcap.
Badly.
Worse than badly.
What’s
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