back as soon as you can!
Todd
PS: The writing is a little stereotypical and over the top, but keep in mind that this is a comic starring role, Lauren. You need this. Chazz who? Knock ’em dead!
True, Lauren thought. Chazz who? I need this chance badly.
She settled into her love seat, flipped the cover page, and began to read:
GRAY AREAS
By A. Smith
Episode 1
Scene 1
(A handsome, muscular white man in tight jeans, an unzipped hoodie, and unlaced Timberlands walks in slow motion past two black women who are drinking coffee at an outdoor café in Manhattan. They check out his butt longingly.)
LAUREN
He ain’t bad looking . . . for a white man.
SHARON
Lookin’ at a cracker don’t cost nothin’, Lauren.
Oh . . . no, Lauren thought. I don’t like the way this begins. Is this supposed to be comedy? The first two lines might alienate every white person in America!
She forced herself to continue. It can only get better, right?
It didn’t get better.
LAUREN
Sharon, he ain’t got no booty. I’d have nothing to hold on to.
SHARON
Nope. Looks like a straight shovel back there. He probably has divots in his hairy cheeks.
LAUREN
You see the rest of him? His face was as hairy as a bear. Puh-lease. I bet he’s all static clingy. He’d probably shock me every time he touched me.
SHARON
He had blue eyes, though. Gotta like them.
LAUREN
Yeah . (Sighs deeply.)
SHARON
You ain’t thinkin’ about getting a little cream in your coffee, are you, Lauren? What would your boo, Marcus, the lawyer, think?
This hoochie has a lawyer for a boyfriend? Lauren thought. Why? What lawyer—or man—in his right mind would hook up with this coarse, uncouth creature? Only on TV.
LAUREN
Marcus and I are through.
SHARON
Since when?
LAUREN
Since I caught him banging his secretary in our bed. I knew that white hoochie was after him. (Smiles.) But she ain’t gonna be able to smile right after what I did to her.
SHARON
You cut her, huh?
LAUREN
No. I punched her out. Snapped one of her front teeth in half.
SHARON
She a snaggletoothed bee-otch now, huh?
Bee-otch? Lauren thought. What in the world? What century am I in? And does this Lauren have to be so violent? I don’t have a violent bone in my body.
LAUREN
Yeah. (Sighs.) Nah, I am through with black men, Sharon. They have never done me right. All of them are dogs. I need to get me a white man and get me some cream and some sugar.
And now the script alienates black men, Lauren thought. Who is left to watch this show? Do they want anyone to watch this show?
SHARON
I hate to burst your bubble, but white men ain’t no good in bed, Lauren. They ain’t got no rhythm, and they don’t know how to work the booty. And the faces they make? Puh-lease , girl. Trust me. It’s a real horror show . (Makes a horrific face.)
LAUREN
(Laughs.) You’re giving me nightmares. But how do you know all that? You been with a white man?
SHARON
Just one. I forget his name. Chip or Joe Bob or Bubba or something redneck and Caucasian like that.
The script just lost most of the southern United States, Lauren thought. This isn’t comedy. This is an extended racist joke! They would have to use a laugh track for this show because a live audience would be booing or growling. I wonder if a live audience has ever walked out on a taping. If it hasn’t happened yet, this show would guarantee it happening.
She forced herself to continue.
LAUREN
Why you mess with him, girl?
SHARON
I was curious.
LAUREN
What was he like?
SHARON
Like a little puppy dog. Once he got a taste of my coffee, he kept coming back for more. I’m a regular Starbucks, girl. I’m better than caffeine for keeping a man up, and I kept him up all night. I bet he never went back to no milky-white heifer after me.
LAUREN
Once you’ve had black, you’ll never go back.
SHARON
The blacker the berry, the
Todd
PS: The writing is a little stereotypical and over the top, but keep in mind that this is a comic starring role, Lauren. You need this. Chazz who? Knock ’em dead!
True, Lauren thought. Chazz who? I need this chance badly.
She settled into her love seat, flipped the cover page, and began to read:
GRAY AREAS
By A. Smith
Episode 1
Scene 1
(A handsome, muscular white man in tight jeans, an unzipped hoodie, and unlaced Timberlands walks in slow motion past two black women who are drinking coffee at an outdoor café in Manhattan. They check out his butt longingly.)
LAUREN
He ain’t bad looking . . . for a white man.
SHARON
Lookin’ at a cracker don’t cost nothin’, Lauren.
Oh . . . no, Lauren thought. I don’t like the way this begins. Is this supposed to be comedy? The first two lines might alienate every white person in America!
She forced herself to continue. It can only get better, right?
It didn’t get better.
LAUREN
Sharon, he ain’t got no booty. I’d have nothing to hold on to.
SHARON
Nope. Looks like a straight shovel back there. He probably has divots in his hairy cheeks.
LAUREN
You see the rest of him? His face was as hairy as a bear. Puh-lease. I bet he’s all static clingy. He’d probably shock me every time he touched me.
SHARON
He had blue eyes, though. Gotta like them.
LAUREN
Yeah . (Sighs deeply.)
SHARON
You ain’t thinkin’ about getting a little cream in your coffee, are you, Lauren? What would your boo, Marcus, the lawyer, think?
This hoochie has a lawyer for a boyfriend? Lauren thought. Why? What lawyer—or man—in his right mind would hook up with this coarse, uncouth creature? Only on TV.
LAUREN
Marcus and I are through.
SHARON
Since when?
LAUREN
Since I caught him banging his secretary in our bed. I knew that white hoochie was after him. (Smiles.) But she ain’t gonna be able to smile right after what I did to her.
SHARON
You cut her, huh?
LAUREN
No. I punched her out. Snapped one of her front teeth in half.
SHARON
She a snaggletoothed bee-otch now, huh?
Bee-otch? Lauren thought. What in the world? What century am I in? And does this Lauren have to be so violent? I don’t have a violent bone in my body.
LAUREN
Yeah. (Sighs.) Nah, I am through with black men, Sharon. They have never done me right. All of them are dogs. I need to get me a white man and get me some cream and some sugar.
And now the script alienates black men, Lauren thought. Who is left to watch this show? Do they want anyone to watch this show?
SHARON
I hate to burst your bubble, but white men ain’t no good in bed, Lauren. They ain’t got no rhythm, and they don’t know how to work the booty. And the faces they make? Puh-lease , girl. Trust me. It’s a real horror show . (Makes a horrific face.)
LAUREN
(Laughs.) You’re giving me nightmares. But how do you know all that? You been with a white man?
SHARON
Just one. I forget his name. Chip or Joe Bob or Bubba or something redneck and Caucasian like that.
The script just lost most of the southern United States, Lauren thought. This isn’t comedy. This is an extended racist joke! They would have to use a laugh track for this show because a live audience would be booing or growling. I wonder if a live audience has ever walked out on a taping. If it hasn’t happened yet, this show would guarantee it happening.
She forced herself to continue.
LAUREN
Why you mess with him, girl?
SHARON
I was curious.
LAUREN
What was he like?
SHARON
Like a little puppy dog. Once he got a taste of my coffee, he kept coming back for more. I’m a regular Starbucks, girl. I’m better than caffeine for keeping a man up, and I kept him up all night. I bet he never went back to no milky-white heifer after me.
LAUREN
Once you’ve had black, you’ll never go back.
SHARON
The blacker the berry, the
Similar Books
The Birds of the Air
Alice Thomas Ellis
The Rebels' Assault
David Grimstone
The Golden Fleece
Brian Stableford
Jace
T.A. Grey
Mating Rights
Jaide Fox
The New Champion
Jody Feldman
Pretty Is
Maggie Mitchell