Kosher Guide to Imaginary Animals Read Free

dream-matter is unclear, but experts speculate that it, like many spirits, has no dreams of its own. Therefore, the baku may sell what it harvests to other supernatural beings but keep the most choice “cuts” for itself.
    Ann: “That’s considered a swine. It doesn’t chew its cud.”
    Evil Monkey: “Well, then what if it was a dream-devouring cow instead? Would the dream-devouring disqualify it?”
    Ann: “No. As long as you don’t consider that scavenging.”
    Evil Monkey: “So Jews can eat dreams.”
    Ann: “So long as they’re not dreams of pork.”

Banshee

    Originating in Irish mythology, the banshee is a frightening female spirit, often considered a bad omen. But how much of a bad omen? Specter-ologists are unsure. Messenger of death or the cause of death? Perhaps the two roles are interchangeable, for many people with bad tickers have had heart attacks upon encountering a banshee. The provenance of the banshee has also been the cause of some debate. Some consider the banshee a prophetess who can see the future. Others (among them heretics, drunks, and rebels) consider the banshee to be a fallen angel. A mournful wail is the calling card of the banshee, who when seen will be wearing a gray hooded cloak, not unlike a rain poncho. Dr. Jorge Luis Borges’ theory that the banshee is a form of elf should be ignored as ridiculous.
    Evil Monkey: “Would it be wise to try to eat a messenger of death? Wouldn’t that be like eating death? Is eating death kosher?”
    Ann: “Depends on what you mean by death. If death is a guy in a black robe, no. If death is a strawberry, then, yes.”
    Evil Monkey: “So she’s not kosher.”
    Ann: “No. Any ‘creature’ you can call ‘he’ or ‘she’ is probably not kosher. But why are the evil ones always women?”
    Evil Monkey: “Nothing I can say here will save me.”

Behemoth

    The Behemoth, of Hebrew origin, is the King of the Mammals, springing to life on the sixth day of creation. The Hulk Hogan of the imaginary animal world, the Behemoth claims as brothers the Leviathan (the supreme sea animal) and the Ziz (the supreme air animal), all unconquerable by humans. An herbivore, the Behemoth was created along with Man. The Behemoth is so incomprehensible in strength and size that mere humans cannot but guess at its form. Some believe it to be a giant hippopotamus, others a giant rhinoceros, and still others a dinosaur-sized capybara with flaming breath and custom-made Kevlar. From the Book of Job, Chapter 40, we know this: “16 Behold now his strength is in his loins and his power is in the navel of his belly. 17 His tail hardens like a cedar; the sinews of his tendons are knit together. 18 His limbs are as strong as copper, his bones as a load of iron.”
    Evil Monkey: “How does this thing even walk around? It sounds like its bones and limbs are so heavy that unless it’s been strengthening its core with crunches for millennia, it wouldn’t even be of much use in a pub fight. It’d just sit there in a corner, unable to lift its beer to its mouth.”
    Ann: “Blasphemer Ape!”
    Evil Monkey: “I’m just saying.”
    Ann: “Well, stop saying.”
    Evil Monkey: “Surely this thing is kosher, though?”
    Ann: “As a matter of fact, it is, but only under certain conditions.”
    Evil Monkey: “What conditions?”
    Ann: “The end of the world.”
    Evil Monkey: “That’s quite a condition. And this thing had better be the most delicious piece of meat ever if we have to wait until the end of the world.”
    Ann: “Not ‘we.’ The food from the Behemoth is only for the righteous.”
    Evil Monkey: “Are you trying to tell me something?”

Borges

    Of Argentinean origin, this blind magical creature has, over time, replaced all of its human flesh with the pulp of books. Often found at the center of mazes, libraries, or as the spectral spectator to brutal knife fights, the borges serves as a portal to other worlds. Therefore, although seemingly playful and