Kosher Guide to Imaginary Animals Read Free Page A

benign, the borges is very dangerous. If you encounter a borges, you must remember to keep your sense of proportion and scale intact, or you will become lost forever in a book. Perhaps even a book that is part of the borges.
    Evil Monkey: “Not human.”
    Ann: “A kind of golem construct, made of books.”
    Evil Monkey: “Are books kosher?”
    Ann: “I suppose. If you were really hungry.”
    Evil Monkey: “What if the book was printed on pigskin?
    Ann: “Who would print a book on pigskin?”
    Evil Monkey: “Football fans?”
    Ann: “Do football fans even read books?”
    Evil Monkey: “Hey!”
    Ann: “Anyway, pigskin isn’t commonly used as parchment, but cowskin, lambskin, and even deerskin are. Did you know that the Torah scrolls are made from parchment of only kosher animals? Not only that, but the ink used to write the Torah has to be special. It is carefully prepared by the scribe using various ingredients, such as the juice from gall nuts and gum arabic. And the scribe even makes the quill, again only feathers of kosher animals.”
    Evil Monkey: “Sounds complicated.”
    Ann: “Not as complicated as a man made from books!”

Camahueto

    Of Chilean origin, the camahueto shares a similarity to a unicorn in that it takes the form of a calf or bull with a single horn in the middle of its forehead. The camahueto is benign; indeed, the horn is said to have magical properties as an aphrodisiac when ingested as a powder. However, since such effects are quickly followed by a horn growing out of your forehead, this remedy isn’t recommended except for the adventurous and for those who plan to leave immediately after a liaison. Further, if you plant the horn, more camahuetos will grow from it, exploding outward with such strength as to leave enormous holes in the ground. If you plant the horn, do so from a safe distance, using some kind of mechanical arm. Be aware that a newly born camahueto is an angry camahueto and that the horn is very sharp indeed.
    Evil Monkey: “So this is a kind of unicorn, basically.”
    Ann: “Basically, yes. The horn is the only thing that makes it fantastical. But the bull part makes it kosher.”
    Evil Monkey: “So a rhino is kosher.”
    Ann: “No. A rhino doesn’t have cloven hooves. A triceratops is also not kosher.”
    Evil Monkey: “Not to mention eating a triceratops might be a crime, since they’re supposedly extinct.”
    Ann: “I imagine the meat would be very dry by now, at the very least.”

Chupacabra

    Of modern provenance, the chupacabra or “goat sucker” first appeared in Puerto Rico in the early 1990s. Descriptions vary from a reptile-like creature with leathery or scaly skin and sharp back-quills to a dog or panther with a forked tongue and large fangs. Still others ascribe to the chupacabra bat-like wings. All agree that the chupacabra is about the size of a bear and does not appear to participate in social events like tea parties and ice cream socials. Reportedly, the chupacabra sucks the blood (and sometimes the organs) of its prey through holes created in the animal’s head and body. It is said that if you can get close enough to tickle the wattles growing on its throat, you will be blessed with eternal good fortune, but none have ever been lucky enough to find out.
    Ann: “It’s definitely a carnivore.”
    Evil Monkey: “It’s definitely something all right. But what if that’s all just for show and they don’t eat their prey?”
    Ann: “Well, I’m pretty sure they don’t chew their cud and have cloven hooves.”
    Evil Monkey: “Can you be sure? What if the reason no one’s ever really seen one is that they’re just some kind of shape-changing mutant cow? So, they’re already in the pasture — and pow! — get themselves a normal cow as an organ-sucking snack, then change back into a cud-chewer standing all innocent, like ‘who me, officer? I’m just a vegetarian with four stomachs,’ while the police and farmers are looking for a