Joe Bruzzese Read Free

new gossip that’s often spilled in a phone call, whereas boys may be quicker to dismiss the same information and instead wait for an in-person confrontation. There is one big exception: the phone call between boyfriend and girlfriend that ends in a breakup; in this situation, both sexes go through a series of emotional responses ranging from anger and frustration to sadness and depression.
    COACHING TIP
    If you suspect a phone call is going badly, after the call ends wait for a minimum of ten minutes (sometimes longer; watch for behavior that indicates an opening) before checking in with your child. A simple statement like “Let me know if you want to talk” is sometimes all that is needed to bring your child to a place where he can talk calmly about what happened on the phone. Avoid barging into the bedroom or picking up the phone during a heated call; this is likely to bring a wave of adolescent wrath crashing down on you. Space and time can relieve tension, so allow your child one or both when his emotions run to the extreme .
Appearance changes
    In an effort to fit in, adolescents often change their physical appearance to look like other members of a particular group. Adolescents experience an increased urgency to find and be accepted by a peer group. From an adolescent’s perspective, belonging to
any
peer group is better than being alone. These groups come together for different reasons, such as a similar interest in a sport, an extracurricular activity, or music. Once the group forms, it’s common to see them wearing the same fashion styles and haircuts as a way to further express the group’s shared identity.
    Occasionally children enter middle school with one or two close friends who subsequently connect with a new group—leaving a few lost souls clamoring for friendship. Without a defined peer group of their own, these children may come together and create a unique identity. Rather than blending into the social background, these new social groups often make extreme changes in how they look (hair, clothes, piercings, and tattoos) in an effort to attract attention.
    Friendships definitely play a crucial role in your middle schooler’s ongoing emotional development. Best friends can become arch enemies within the span of a day, before again returning to BFF (best friends forever) status. This cyclical pattern inevitably leaves your child vulnerable to having her feelings hurt. Stand by, offer a supportive shoulder to cry on, but restrain yourself from trying to help solve your child’s every friendship dispute. Your life can quickly become a soap opera of adolescent angst if you choose to take on the role of problem solver or peer mediator. No parent welcomes the sight of a teary-eyed child, but flying in to save the day doesn’t give your child the opportunity to negotiate a relationship truce. Navigating the path between emotional confidant and supportive parent can be tricky, particularly when you’re called on to welcome a new group of friends whom you know nothing about. You can both support your child and give her the freedom to find a peer group for herself by respectfully observing her circle of friends, without hovering too close or assuming the role of friendship manager.
    You’re probably thinking,
Good idea, but how do I pull it off?
One key is figuring out how to stay informed about your middle schooler without seeming intrusive or overbearing.
Smart sleuthing
    When it comes to talking about the details of their friendships (and many other aspects of their lives), most middle schoolers develop and fine-tune their ability to use selective silence whenparents ask questions. Parents try to engage the child in conversation and get one-word answers—or even no response at all. As their frustration grows, many parents settle for conversations that more closely resemble a game of Twenty Questions than a real conversation.
    Why do kids seem to clam up at this