Joe Bruzzese Read Free Page B

sure you have answers to questions you might be wondering about.”Yes, it’s blunt and initially shocking for your child to hear you say the word sex, but it brings the elephant in the room from a dark corner to center stage, where you can begin to have a conversation about a topic that every child wonders about at some point on the road to adolescence. Whether or not your child has thought of or is currently engaging in sexual behavior, he or she will have questions. Without a parent’s guidance, kids will often seek answers from other trusted adults. In the absence of their qualified advice, your child will turn to her peer group. Heading down a path in the dark while being led by a person who’s blindfolded doesn’t sound like a safe way to travel. Turn on the light for your child, so she can see the path ahead and feel confident about the choices she will make in the coming years.
Times to talk
    Here are some suggestions for opening up the lines of communication. Kids anticipate the inevitable blast of parent questions at the end of a school day or over dinner. Choose instead to wait and listen. Instead of dominating each attempt at conversation with your own questions, try to say less and let your child do more of the talking. For example, let silence fill the space during car rides home from school (or, if your child takes the bus or carpool, during the initial after-school moments when the two of you meet up at home) instead of immediately asking questions. You may have a couple of quiet rides or moments, but eventually your child will likely share a comment about the day. As the words begin to flow, wait until you have the opportunity to add a comment or ask a question that will prompt further conversation. A lot of kids actually like to talk if given the opportunity. What they don’t appreciate are a rapid-fire barrage of questions and the continued probing of what they perceive to be nosy parents. In time, your less-is-more approach will be rewarded by a more talkative teen.
    A child’s one-word responses to your questions can bring a conversation to a halt at the outset. Try asking questions that beginwith “How” rather than “Why” or “What.” Such questions hand ownership of the conversation to your child. When you ask “How did you do that?” or “How did you find out about that?” you set the stage for your child to take control of the conversation. Remember, your purpose is to keep the conversation moving. Asking questions with yes-or-no answers will bring most discussions to a halt; questions that begin with “How” can keep an adolescent talking for hours. “How did you do so well on your test?” or “How did it feel when you heard the news?” are two examples of questions that acknowledge a child’s ability and emotions, and acknowledgment stimulates conversation. By contrast, questions beginning with “Why” put kids on the defensive. “Why did you do that?” or “Why didn’t you try it the way we talked about earlier?” require the child to justify his actions. The adolescent mind perceives a “Why?” question as an accusation of wrongdoing. The natural reaction to this accusation can turn a lighthearted conversation into a series of short negative exchanges. Staying focused on your child’s enthusiasm and interests can keep “why” questions from creeping in and smothering your together time.
    â€œAidan hardly ever talked until the day I realized I wasn’t giving him a chance to. I stopped peppering him with so many questions all the time, and he started opening up. Now he jumps into the car after practice and immediately starts talking about the players and coaches. He goes almost nonstop for our entire thirty-minute trip home.”
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John, middle school parent, Phoenix, AZ
    Beyond the everyday conversations you should strive to achieve with your