Inglourious Basterds Read Free Page A

cunning and predatory instinct
     of a hawk.
COL. LANDA
    (CON’T)
    Negroes—gorillas—brain—lips—smell—physical strength—penis size.
    But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat.
    Now the Führer and Goebbels’s propaganda have said pretty much the same thing. Where our conclusions differ is I don’t consider
     the comparison an insult. Consider for a moment the world a rat lives in. It’s a hostile world indeed. If a rat were to scamper
     through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?
PERRIER
    I suppose I would.
COL. LANDA
    Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel toward them?
PERRIER
    Rats spread disease, they bite people—
COL. LANDA
    Unless some fool is stupid enough to try and handle a live one, rats don’t make it a practice of biting human beings. Rats
     were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that was some time ago. In all your born days, has a rat ever caused you to be sick
     a day in your life? I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread a squirrel would equally carry.
    Yet I assume you don’t share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?
PERRIER
    No.
COL. LANDA
    Yet they are both rodents, are they not? And except for the fact that one has a big bushy tail, while the other has a long
     repugnant tail of rodent skin, they even rather look alike, don’t they?
PERRIER
    It is an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.
COL. LANDA
    However, interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to scamper through
     your door this very minute, would you offer it a saucer of your delicious milk?
PERRIER
    Probably not.
COL. LANDA
    I didn’t think so. You don’t like them. You don’t really know why you don’t like them. All you know is, you find them repulsive.
    (lets the metaphor sink in)
    What a tremendously hostile world a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. And the reason for this is
     because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none. And that, Monsieur, is what a Jew shares
     with a rat.
    Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in
     the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar—he looks everywhere he would hide. But there are many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer brought me off
     my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me.
    Because I’m aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
    (changing tone)
    May I smoke my pipe as well?
    The farmer’s cool facade is little by little eroding.
PERRIER
    Please, colonel, make yourself at home.
    The Jew Hunter removes both a pipe and a bag of tobacco fixings. The pipe, strangely enough, is a calabash, made from an S-shaped
     gourd with a yellow skin and made famous by Sherlock Holmes.
    As the Nazi colonel busies himself with his smoking, he continues to hold court at the Frenchman’s table.
COL. LANDA
    The other mistake the German soldiers make is their severe handling of the citizens who give shelter and aid to the Jews.
     These citizens are not enemies of the state. They are simply confused people, trying to make some sense out of the madness
     war creates.
    These citizens do not need punishing. They simply need to be reminded of their duty in wartime.
    Let’s use you as a example, Monsieur LaPadite. In this war, you have found yourself in the middle of a conflict that has nothing
     to do with yourself, your lovely ladies, or your cows—yet here you are.
    So, Monsieur LaPadite, let me propose a question. In this time of war, what is your number-one duty? Is it to fight the Germans
     in the name of France to your last breath? Or is it to harass the occupying army to the best of your ability? Or is it