Incredible Beauty Read Free Page A

asked, rolling her eyes. Forget what?
    Oh shit, that's right, my appointment. Simon was going to meet me there because coming back to get me would've eaten too far into his day. We had arranged last week with Cass for her to pick me up.
    "I completely forgot," I muttered, ready to blame the pregnancy hormones again as I reached up to scratch my head. "Give me five minutes." I said, pushing her to the living room. “Why don’t you use your key?” I added, rolling my eyes.
    “I forgot it,” she said defensively, "get ready and take your time, I'm early anyhow."
    “So put it on your key ring, with your car keys. That’s what it’s for, you dickhead,” I muttered as I walked down the hallway. Where did she keep her own house key, in her sock drawer?
    Back in the bedroom, I pulled on a pair of elastic waisted jeans and a long sleeved tunic. Running a brush through my hair, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, my skin was pale and my hair was in need of a good wash.
    God, I looked like shit. I thought pregnancy was supposed to leave you glowing, not looking like you just crawled out of a drain pipe.
    "Why haven't you unpacked yet?" Cass called out.
    "Because, I'm pregnant and Simon won't let me lift anything," I replied loudly. I walked back into the living room and rolled my eyes at Cass, who'd made herself at home, lying on the sofa eating my homemade cookies.
    "These are pretty good," she admitted, between mouthfuls. “You look like shit,” she added, grinning at me.
    "You sound surprised and thanks," I laughed. She knew how much I loved to cook. She shrugged, shoving the last of the cookie in her mouth before standing up and brushing crumbs onto the floor.
    "Thanks Cass," I sighed. She looked at me innocently, her hands turned upwards as if to say ‘what?’
    "Come-on, let's get going," I said, grabbing my purse and scarf.
    As we walked out to Cass's car, I focused on making it to the passenger door. I glanced up and down the street looking for pedestrians, not wanting to put myself in the position where our paths might cross. Looking at me, you'd never know I was agoraphobic. I still used the term myself, because in my mind that’s what I was until I no longer felt the anxiety and stress when I left the house.
    If I couldn’t go out alone, then I wasn’t over it.
    I was getting better at putting on a front. Even people that should know me well enough were fooled into thinking how far I'd come, like my mother and my father. I think that it made them feel better about themselves and our relationship if I was successfully working through my issues.
    There were some people I couldn't fool though, like Simon and Cass. If I spent all day, every day, outside I still couldn't trick either of them into believing I was better. Now with this pregnancy, I had a whole new set of things to worry about, like whether I was actually even going to be a mother or not. There were so many things that could go wrong, it was hard not to focus on the negative.
    Since Derek was killed, my nightmares had subsided, but it was like my mind had replaced one set of worries for another. All the time and effort I'd spent worrying about Derek and his release were now put into worrying about this baby, worrying about whether I could be the wife and mother that this baby, Simon and Maddie deserved and worrying about everything in general.
    For ten years I'd been so sure that all my problems centered around Derek and my attack and while I'm sure they played a big part in shaping my anxiety and the way I dealt with things, the fact was there was never going to be an end or a magic fix. There was always going to be something for me to focus on, something to turn around in my mind, something to drive myself crazy with. That was the biggest thing I needed to comprehend, I was never going to be better. The best outcome for me was to learn how to manage my anxieties.
    Dealing with my agoraphobia felt like a double edged sword. On