How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read Free

arch-demon Succorbenthrael, Satan’s personal interior decorator.
    Succorbenthrael burned so many of Amara’s calories that the Calorometer couldn’t keep up. The pointer spun round as far as it could, and never dropped back. The studio slowly filled with smoke from the fireworks and dry ice. The Venezuelan tapeworm never got a look in.
    Later tests carried out at Barnum College with an enhanced Mega-Calorometer made an unexpected discovery. It had been thought that demons would burn calories at a near constant level, but they didn’t. Researchers discovered that more calories were burned during periods of intense demon mental activity. Astral projection, for one, burned up calories PROPORTIONATE to the activity of the astrally projected body. Read the section here to learn more about astral exercising.

Choosing the Best Demon

    Spirits and demons are not all the same. They have strengths and weaknesses. Before selecting the right one for you, you need to work out what you need — from ‘a quiet, gradual reduction in weight,’ to a ‘lop off 200lbs in three days and I don’t care how!’
    There’s a demon, or spirit, to suit your every need.
    A lot of people ask, ‘What’s the difference between a spirit and a demon?’ Well, the main difference is that spirits are dead. You can’t, legally, be possessed by the soul of a person, or animal, or alien, that’s still alive. It’s the scientific equivalent of bigamy and even Mormons aren’t allowed to do it.
    Demons are different. The vast majority of demons are far from dead, and many, having ascended several millennia ago, have no physical body to worry about. They can take physical form when they want to, but it’s not a body as we know it. It’s more like clothes they conjure up, put on, and throw away when they’ve finished. Consequently there are no concerns about what happens to a demon’s body while it’s living inside you, as there IS no body.
    1. Small is Beautiful
    Many experts believe that a small child makes the ideal spirit for the beginner. They’re smaller, they’re less set in their ways, they’re less strong, and they’ll be easier to exorcise once you’ve reached your target weight.
    But a small child can also be playful and unpredictable, not to mention prone to tantrums if they don’t get their own way. And they eat less. This means it’ll take longer for you to reach that all-important target weight.
    There’s also the very real prospect of POLTERGEIST activity which the spirits of children are especially prone to.
    What’s poltergeist activity? Well, it ranges from unusual noises — knocking sounds, groans and creaks — to objects flying off walls or floating around the room. Most people find it disconcerting, and it can severely limit your social life.
    At Crapper Clinics we screen all our spirit applicants to make sure only the most suitable spirits appear on our lists.
    Other establishments are not so picky.
    2. Old is... um
    Some experts swear by the older spirit. They’ve seen more, experienced more, and are more laid back. They make the ideal head-guest and are easy to exorcise.
    But they can also be picky eaters, which isn’t ideal when you’re trying to lose weight. You want someone who’s going to gobble down your calories, not pick and choose which bits of your dinner they’re going to try today.
    They can also have ‘senior moments’ at inconvenient times — you might find yourself floating into a room and then staying there for an hour not sure why. And if you’re the host of an older male spirit with prostate problems, you might find your sleep interrupted by frequent astral projections to the bathroom.
    3. Share Your Life with the Dead Celeb of Your Choice
    It’s expensive but it’s worth it. Imagine having JOHN LENNON in your head. Or ELVIS, or MARILYN MONROE, or a