How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight Read Free Page B

mind to project their soul outside of their body. Some call it out-of-body flight or ‘remote viewing.’ Well, spirits do it all the time. They like to go for long runs at night, and hunt and chase stuff. Which has the DOUBLE advantage of using up YOUR calories while, at the SAME time, NOT straining your body! You can slim while you sleep, and wake up with no muscle aches or annoying mangled bunny remains strewn over the bed sheets!
    It’s the very definition of win-win.
    Astral Jogging, Astral Fight Clubs, Astral Hunts, Astral Zumba, Astral Orgies, Astral Synchronized Swimming — the ways a spirit can lose weight for you are legion.
    And most of them are legal.
    Head Spinning
    For those who prefer a more active role in exercise, but have become bored with the tired old exercise regimes, possession offers new and exciting alternatives.
    Ever wanted to try your hand at head spinning? I bet you have. How many people came away from watching The Exorcist wishing they could make their head rotate through 360°?
    Well, now you can. And what better way to stretch those neck muscles! Fitness guru Richard Little calls it ‘the ultimate fast burn neck exercise inferno.’ And what a way to break the ice at parties! No more embarrassing long silences over the dinner table — one long, slow rotate and you’ll have everyone’s attention.
    After a day or two you’ll soon be able to build up the speed and increase those rotations to five, ten, even one hundred and more spins ... in seconds.
    Your neck will never have felt healthier. Unless you suffer from VERTIGO or spinning-sensitive EPILEPSY, in which case you are advised not to try this exercise. Also not advised on a full stomach as this could trigger PROJECTILE VOMITING OF THE SPINNING KIND.
    Muscle Spasms
    Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS) has been around for years. That’s where pulses of electricity are used to contract muscles, building up strength and improving muscle tone. Some diet gurus suggested that EMS also burned calories, but clinical research showed this to be marginal at best. To quote Professor Phil, the leading bio-nutritioneer on the planet, ‘To burn a significant number of calories you’d need to involve EVERY muscle group and WAY increase the amplitude of the contractions.’
    Sound familiar? Our scienteers at the Crapper Clinic Research Center thought so. Intense muscle spasms are a common side feature of possession. (At CCRC we don’t talk about ‘side effects.’ One man’s side effect is another man’s humongous opportunity — and we’re with that other man, which is why we use the term ‘side feature.’)
    We’ve since researched the HECK out of this side feature and — you know what? — it DOES burn calories. A shedload of them. And as for involving every part of the human body, it even exercises your TEETH!
    But isn’t it painful? It sure looks painful.
    No, it’s not because, like a TEMS machine, the spasms BLOCK the pain signals from reaching the brain. You get a full body work out, toned muscles AND no pain. Sometimes you even get levitation thrown in for free as well!

Cursing as a Slimming Aid

    The slimming properties of cursing were first observed during studies on Tourette’s Syndrome.
    Professor Raylene’s ground breaking study found that subjects with Tourrette’s Syndrome burned more calories than Lutherans. Over the next seven years she extended the study to include most religious groups, and made the startling discovery that Trappist monks were twice as likely to be obese as Lutherans. But POSSESSED Lutherans burned even more calories than subjects with Tourette’s!
    Further analysis showed that living under a vow of silence inhibited calorie burning, while ‘letting it all out’ increased it.
    Simply put, cursing increases heart rate, stimulates oxygen flow, and BURNS calories.
    And when it comes to cursing, NO