Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) Read Free

exchange with Julian. “You’re listed here as being proficient with every type of weapon there is, and you get a bonus to Listen, Search, and Spot checks, whatever in the Abyss those are.”
    “You’ve got racial benefits as well,” said Julian.
    “Oh sure!” said the professor. “Let’s have a look at those again, shall we?” He flipped over to the appropriate page. “ Size bonus to AC and attack rolls! Size bonus to Hide checks!” He jabbed his finger into the book every time he said ‘size’. “Bonus to attack rolls against kobolds and goblinoids ! AC bonus against giants ! Every bonus I get comes either from being short or a bigot.”
    “Are you saying you’ve got nothing against kobolds?”
    “Of course not,” said Professor Goosewaddle, keeping his eyes on the book. “I mean, not the good ones.”
    “Would you be okay with your daughter marrying a kobold?”
    “That’s preposterous!” said the professor.
    Julian crossed his arms with a look of smug satisfaction.
    “What?” the professor exclaimed. “They’re not even mammals!”
    Julian relaxed his arms. “Well I guess you’ve sort of got me there.”
    “It doesn’t matter,” said Tim. “We’re all humans anyway.”
    Professor Goosewaddle frowned at Tim. “What is this sad obsession you have with being a human? What’s so special about being a human? I’ve had farts that have lingered longer than a human lifespan.”
    “So have I,” said Cooper, returning from the back of the store. “You guys will probably want to stick to the front entrance from now on.”
    Professor Goosewaddle grimaced. “I was being hyperbolic.” He flipped through the book. “I think I know what the problem is. Let’s see what this ridiculous book has to say about humans.” He settled on a particular section of the book, flipped a few pages forward, and then a few pages back. “They don’t seem to be listed here. It goes straight from ‘Howler’ to ‘Hydra’.”
    “That’s because you’re looking at the Monster Manual,” explained Dave. “Humans aren’t considered monsters.” Professor Goosewaddle’s wide-eyed, open-mouthed stare required further comment. “Um… That came out wrong.”
    “I’m not so sure that it did!” said the professor. “It’s no wonder you’re all ashamed of who you are, reading this kind of…” He slammed the book shut and held it up. “Whatever this is!” He looked sternly around the room. “I’ll bet my shop that a human wrote this book.”
    “I’d say that’s a safe bet,” said Dave.
    Professor Goosewaddle examined the front cover of the book. “Hmph! Larry Lilacs. That’s a human name if I ever heard one.”
    “Of course it’s a human name,” said Tim. “Everyone in this world is human. We were sent to your world by means of a magic that we don’t understand. We were playing this game, you see, and –”
    “Playing games with forces you don’t understand is a good way to get yourselves in trouble,” said the professor.
    Dave rolled his eyes. “Oh my God. It’s the eighties all over again.”
    “Here’s the thing,” said Tim. “The magic dice sent us to your world and changed our human bodies into what you see before you. When you brought us back, we expected we would return to our human forms.”
    The professor furrowed his brow. “It was a simple teleport spell. There were no transmutative properties to it.”
    “This is pointless,” said Julian. “Mordred’s alive. He’s got the dice and the knowledge of how to use them. We find Mordred, our problems are solved.”
    “And how do you propose we do that?” asked Tim.
    “We’ll look for him,” said Julian. “We know he lives in Biloxi, and that he’s got a broken rear windshield. We can get online, make some educated guesses, stakeout some auto places. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”
    “Sounds like a long shot,” said Dave.
    “I can’t wait until you have your first idea,” snapped Julian. “I'll be the first in a