Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) Read Free Page A

long line to tell you how stupid it is.”
    “Knock it off, you two,” said Tim. “We’ve got bigger and more immediate problems. Cooper needs medical attention. Dave, you get on your phone and locate the nearest poison control center, or toxicology clinic, or whatever you can find.” He pushed a chair up against the counter, climbed up, opened the cash register, and pulled out two twenty-dollar bills. “Chaz, take this and buy a big bag of dog food for Butterbean.”
    “Where the hell am I supposed to find dog food at this hour?”
    “Try the shop next door,” said Tim. “The old couple that runs it are always up at the ass crack of dawn. I think the husband might even sleep there some nights.”
    Chaz took the money and left.
    “Next step,” said Tim. “We need to sort out transportation. I’m thinking our safest bet is a large, windowless van.”
    Julian let out a halfhearted laugh. “Does anyone know any pedophiles?”
    “Brilliant,” said Tim.
    “What?” said Dave.
    “It was only a lame joke,” said Julian.
    “It’s perfect,” said Tim. “Julian, get on the office computer and check out the local sex offender registry. One of those fuckers is bound to have just what we’re looking for parked right in their driveway.”
    “You can’t be serious,” said Dave.
    “Did you find anything yet?”
    “Why don’t we just get Professor Goosewaddle to teleport back to the shop with Cooper. Maybe he’s got an antidote, or he could take him to see a higher level cleric or –“
    “Absolutely not,” said Tim. “The second we cross back over, Mordred will be in control, and he will squash us like bugs. No monsters, no contrived storylines. Just a big fucking thumb from out of the sky. Now did you find a place or not?”
    Dave looked down at his phone. “I’m still working on it.”
    “Then work on it!” said Tim. “Cooper, how are you holding up?”
    Cooper looked listlessly down at his character sheet. “My Constitution is still 8, but I don't feel so good.”
    “We’re running out of time,” said Tim. “We’re going to have to split up.”
    “I found something!” said Dave. “Bayside Poison Control, in Old Town Bay St. Louis.”
    “That’s thirty minutes away from here,” said Tim. “You couldn’t find anything closer?”
    “Nothing that wasn’t part of a major hospital,” said Dave. “I figured we’d be safer with a smaller clinic than trying to escort a half-orc through the halls of Gulfport Memorial.”
    Tim nodded. “Good thinking.”
    The bell jingled as the front door burst open, and Tim nearly jumped out of his skin.
    “Whoa, chill out dude,” said Chaz, struggling to carry a forty pound bag of dog food. “It’s just me.”
    “You scared the shit out of me,” said Tim. “I thought it was a customer. Lock the door behind you.” He retreated to the kitchen for some bowls.
    “What are you guys doing?” asked Chaz, following Tim.
    “We’re looking for pedophiles,” said Julian.
    Chaz placed the dog food on the counter. “Are you sure that’s the most productive possible use of our time?”
    “Holy crap,” said Julian, the sharp features of his elven face illuminated by the light of the computer screen. “These little side streets off Pass Road are lit up like it’s some kind of pedo community. Ew… I’ve delivered pizza to some of these addresses.”
    “Perfect,” said Tim. “Print out a map.” He spotted Katherine’s gym bag in the corner, unzipped it, and pulled out an elastic headband. “Here,” he said, handing the headband to Julian. “You can't keep walking around in that stupid sombrero, but you still need to cover your ears. You and Chaz are the only ones who will be able to pass for humans of driving age.”
    Julian put on the headband. “How’s that?”
    “You look like Jane Fonda. Do you have a Papa Joe’s hat in your car?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Good,” said Tim. “Wear it. Take Cooper and Professor Goosewaddle to the toxicology