Battle of the Dum Diddys Read Free

how about a salami-eating contest?” I said. “You against Joe Sweety. Everyone will want to bet on that one.”
    My guy always wins salami-eating contests. Because Beast is the only kid in school who can eat them whole ! Last time, he ate ten whole salamis without even unwrapping them.
    The dude is awesome —right?
    Beast lowered his head and barfed up a disgusting glob of chewed-up grass. “Don’t know why I keep eating grass,” he said. “I guess for the taste.”
    â€œBeast, what about the salami-eating contest?” I asked.
    â€œToo busy,” he grunted.
    I stared at him. “Too busy? Why is everyone telling me they’re too busy?”
    He didn’t answer. He dropped back onto all fours and loped away.
    I turned in a circle, gazing at the empty campus.
    What’s going on here? I wondered.
    Where is everyone?

Chapter 7
TINKLE?
    The next afternoon, I was walking across the Great Lawn, muttering to myself. “This school will be closed in four days. How am I supposed to cash in if everyone is hiding from me?”
    â€œBernie, who are you talking to?” someone asked.
    I looked up to see Mrs. Twinkler staring at me. She was carrying a big, ugly, straw mask on a stick. The mask stared at me, too.
    â€œTalking to myself,” I muttered. “I talk to myself a lot. No one understands me better than I do.”
    Mrs. Twinkler nodded. “I see.”
    I pointed to the scowling mask. “What’s that?”
    â€œIt’s my nephew’s head,” she said, shaking it up and down.

    â€œHow did he lose it?” I asked. “Haircut too close?”
    She laughed her twinkling laugh. “Hilarious. Wow, wow, wow. You’re just a riot ! My nephew made this head. I thought maybe you could use it in the pageant.”
    â€œThe what ?” I asked.
    She laughed again. “Very funny. Where do you get that sense of humor? Don’t ever lose it, Bernie. Remember, a laugh is as good as a tomato. Anytime.”
    â€œExcuse me?” I suddenly remembered I was supposed to be doing some kind of pageant.
    â€œHave you chosen your cast members?” Mrs. Twinkler asked.
    â€œOf course,” I said. “I think you’ll be pleased, Mrs. Twinkler. I have the best actors in school. They’re acting their hearts out already, and we don’t even have a script!”
    The mask stared at me as if it knew I was lying.
    â€œAnd how are the costumes I sent to you?” she asked.
    â€œWay cool,” I said. “Totally perfect. The kids all wanted to wear them to class. But I said they had to wait. I want everything to be a total secret. A big surprise—even to me .”
    â€œWell, I’m glad you started work,” Mrs. Twinklersaid. “Reach for the stars, Bernie. But keep your socks clean.”
    â€œUh…right,” I said. “We’re all totally psyched , Mrs. T. We can’t wait to do the pageant. What’s it about again? I think I forgot.”
    The mask frowned at me. I could swear it stuck out its tongue.
    â€œThe Battle of Rotten Town,” Mrs. Twinkler said. She squinted at me. “Are you sure you’re working on this?”
    â€œOf course,” I said. “It’s just that I forget things when I’m this excited. We’re all so majorly excited,” I said.
    I saw my buddy Belzer slumping across the grass. Belzer is probably the most uncool dude at Rotten School. But he’s a good kid. For one thing, he brings me breakfast in bed every morning. Then he carries my books to class.
    He’s not really a slave. He just likes to do everything I ask.
    I grabbed Belzer by the shoulders and heaved his pudgy body up to Mrs. Twinkler. “Here’s one of our soldiers,” I said. I clapped him hard on the back.
    A little too hard. He fell to his knees.
    â€œExcellent fall, Belzer,” I said. I turned to Mrs. T. “See how he’s practicing? The dude