Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Free

to read one of your anonymous sex questions out loud. Here’s one …
    JONATHAN : Hey, Seymour, did you write that one? That looks like your handwriting.
    SEYMOUR : Mr. Bender! Don’t read it!
    MR. BENDER : Please, no talking. It’s very important that I answer this question. Whoever asked it is obviously incredibly confused about sex. These are not normal concerns. Not even close.
    SETH : Hey, I bet that’s Seymour’s question. It’s written in blue ink like all his homework assignments.
    SEYMOUR : Oh, no!
    MR. BENDER : Okay, let’s see … it’s a seven-part question. The first part is about testicles.
    SEYMOUR : Oh my God!
    MR. BENDER : Quiet, class. We have to be fair to the boy who wrote this, even if we find his sexual desires morally reprehensible.
    JONATHAN : Hey, I think that’s Seymour’s stationery. I can tell because of the watermark.
    MR. BENDER : All right. I’m going to read the question now. But I have to warn you: It’s pretty hard to take. If you feel like screaming, that’s understandable. I’m probably going to do some screaming myself. It’s that extreme.
    (Bell rings.)
    SEYMOUR : That’s the bell! Class dismissed!
    MR. BENDER : Stay in your seats, everyone. If I don’t answer this student’s question and he continues to masturbate in the aberrant fashion he describes in part 3, he could permanently damage his body. Okay … here it goes … Jesus Christ, I can’t read this out loud, it’s too humiliating. Can I have a volunteer?
    SEYMOUR : I’ll read it!
    MR. BENDER : Here you go.
    SEYMOUR : Great! Um … okay … it says … What do you do if you are a … normal boy … with no really weird things.

ouija board
    Oh, thank God … Five young conjurers are trying to communicate with me. Now I can finally reveal the identity of my killer!
    Is there a spirit present?
    Yes!
    (Giggling.)
    Girls, listen to me. My name is Craig Swieskowski. I was murdered by a man named Bruce Kobza.
    Does Trevor like Janet?
    What? How should I know? Listen, Bruce Kobza poisoned me to death! There’s a video recording of the murder in a locked briefcase in his apartment. You need to break into his bedroom, unlock the briefcase and show the tape to the police!
    Y … E … S! (Hysterical laughter.) Trevor likes you, Janet!
    Okay … that’s … that’s fine. I’m glad we got that out of our system. But now it’s time to get serious. We might not have another chance to talk like this. I need you girls to go to Mt. Sinai Cemetery and dig up my body. Do an autopsy. You’ll find—
    Who likes Sophie?
    Jesus, it’s like you’re not even listening to me! Bruce Kobza murdered me! (sighing) Okay … fine, I’ll try to use the damn board. B …
    B!
    R …
    R! Hey, he’s spelling out Brian Pasternak! Brian Pasternak likes Sophie!
    No!
    Spirit? Are we pretty? Or … do we need to lose a little bit of weight?
    You don’t need to lose any weight. … You should all be thankful you’re alive and healthy.
    L-O-S-E W-E-I-G-H-T. Guess we’ll have to keep dieting, huh?
    What? That’s not what I said at all! (Sighs.) It doesn’t matter.

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my mom’s all-time
top five greatest boyfriends
    By Milo Farber, age 11
    5. J ARED M ILLER
    This guy was awesome! He’s by far the strongest, biggest dude I’ve ever met. But that’s not all—he also plays for the Fort Wayne Warriors, my favorite minor-league hockey team! My mom dated Jared for a few days last summer, and every time he came to the house he gave me a regulation Fort Wayne Warriors hockey puck. By the end I had five pucks! Once I ran into him in the kitchenette in the middle of the night. He was making a sandwich. I couldn’t believe there was a real hockey player in my house. I wanted to say something, but I was too nervous so I just stood there. Then after a while he looked at me and said, “Hey, little buddy. How’s your skating?” And I said, “Fine!”
    4. O LAF S EIDENBERG
    Olaf wasn’t as strong as Jared, but he was just