grandparents in Canada. He saved her life. She was about to get run over by a double-decker bus when all of a sudden Jared skateboarded through traffic and pushed her out of the way. There was a huge crowd of Canadians standing around, and when Jared savedTiffany’s life everybody just started cheering like crazy. Then she kissed him on the mouth. When I heard that story, I was like “Give me a break!” because it was just about the coolest thing I had ever heard in my entire life! They spent the rest of the summer having sex all over the place in all of the different sex positions. And now they talk every night on the phone.
The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is so like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.
There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it himself because their handwritings are so similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.
The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modeling academy, but he said that everybody there alreadyhas a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.
I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore. He’s not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.
III
invisible
People assume that being invisible is fun, what with the free concerts and the constant unspeakable sex acts. But there are some downsides.
Every day has its trials. When I go to use a urinal at a ball game, I have to make sure there’s no one waiting behind me. When I ride the subway I always stand, for fear of fat people.
My friends never notice when I get a new haircut. And when I call them on it, their compliments never sound sincere.
When I was a lifeguard, I never got any credit for any of my heroic rescues. It was always “angel this” and “angel that.” Same thing when I was a male prostitute.
When I streaked at the ’96 Olympics, it wasn’t televised and I was impaled by a javelin. Worse, I never receivedany cash from the TV miniseries Legend of the Floating Javelin . When I took the network to court, the judge declared a mistrial and asked to be lobotomized.
It’s really hard to earn a living. I got laid off at the museum because my tour groups kept getting lost. Despite my good looks, acting roles are few and far between. The only film part I ever landed was as a nonspeaking extra in Cast Away . I didn’t get a screen credit, even though I
The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is so like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.
There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it himself because their handwritings are so similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.
The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modeling academy, but he said that everybody there alreadyhas a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.
I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore. He’s not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.
III
invisible
People assume that being invisible is fun, what with the free concerts and the constant unspeakable sex acts. But there are some downsides.
Every day has its trials. When I go to use a urinal at a ball game, I have to make sure there’s no one waiting behind me. When I ride the subway I always stand, for fear of fat people.
My friends never notice when I get a new haircut. And when I call them on it, their compliments never sound sincere.
When I was a lifeguard, I never got any credit for any of my heroic rescues. It was always “angel this” and “angel that.” Same thing when I was a male prostitute.
When I streaked at the ’96 Olympics, it wasn’t televised and I was impaled by a javelin. Worse, I never receivedany cash from the TV miniseries Legend of the Floating Javelin . When I took the network to court, the judge declared a mistrial and asked to be lobotomized.
It’s really hard to earn a living. I got laid off at the museum because my tour groups kept getting lost. Despite my good looks, acting roles are few and far between. The only film part I ever landed was as a nonspeaking extra in Cast Away . I didn’t get a screen credit, even though I
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