American Freak Show Read Free

Carol!
    So how do we get this country on track again? Well, here’s a start. As my first act in office, I have directed the Snuggie company to make a new Snuggie emblazoned with the American flag. Adding American jobs to make those new Snuggies and restoring American pride in the process! (pause for cheer—“American pride” is the ONLY kind of pride!) And, yes, America, in my administration, every purchase of a Snuggie still comes with the free reading light! (pause for cheer—people love free stuff)
    That’s just the first step in what will be an immediate restoration of American greatness after 4 years of leadership by an Indonesian man who also happened to be black (pause for boos—people do not like minorities) . In my first hundred days, which start pretty soon here, I will deliver on the three promises I made to you before you sent me to Washington through that magical process of electoral democracy imagined by our forefathers, who were true patriots and also ensured our right to keep and bear arms. (pause for big cheer—people love guns ;) )
    Number 1, I will sign an executive order enacting my “Eye for an Eye” policy on abortion: you abort an unborn child, we abort you. Plain and simple. (pause for big cheer—people love catchy antiabortion slogans that can be put on bumper stickers)
    Number 2, New York’s Manhattan Island will be converted into a penal colony, inhabited by America’s worst of the worst: Hollywood smut merchants, suspicious-looking cab drivers, and high school biology teachers. (pause for cheer—people don’t like New York City, home of liberals, gays, Muslims, and Jewish people . . . and probably liberal, gay Muslim Jews)
    Third, but certainly not least, I will construct a dome over the United States of America to prevent those who would wish harm on us from delivering on their terrorist promises. (pause for huge cheer—sports fans love domes!) Creating jobs in the construction sector and defending America—that’s what we call back in Alaska a “two-fer”! (cheers) True, there will no longer be sunlight in our great nation, but I ask you, what’s more important: getting a nice suntan or protecting our freedoms? (pause for cheer—the word “freedoms” really sets people off)
    I’ll spare you the other details on the economy and health care and all that jazz because an inauguration is not the time to discuss boring stuff. It’s the time to celebrate the part of America that is not inhabited by the elites of Washington, New York, Los Angeles, and especially San Francisco, if you know what I mean. (pause for cheer—people do NOT like gays) I hear Sgt. Slaughter gettin’ ready back there so I’ll wrap things up here by saying something I’ve been waiting 4 years to say: Hey, Katie Couric, you wanted to know what I read? Well, I’m president now, so look real close here, see if you can read this, biaaaaaatch! (thrust middle finger in the air to wild cheers) The Mama Grizzly is President!
    Thank you, Tampa! May God bless you and God bless the states of America that are worthy of his blessing! Todd and I are goin’ to Dave and Buster’s to play air hockey tonight if you want to join us! Jalapeño poppers are on us, America!

Chapter 2
I’m Tiger Woods . . . and I’m an Addict
    G ood evening, everyone. I’m Dr. Sabrina Vanden Fanny. I want to welcome you to the Wilton Norman Chamberlain Sexual Addiction Institute, S outhern California’s top treatment center for celebrity sex addiction, which, I would like to remind everyone, is an actual medical condition. I went to graduate school and everything.
    “It’s nice to see so many familiar faces in our circle tonight, although, I must say, it doesn’t say much for our success in treating your very serious disease.” The assembled celebrity sex addicts, seated in a circle of metal folding chairs, nod to greet the familiar Dr. Vanden Fanny.
    “Remember, my friends, no matter what the public says, you are not