American Freak Show Read Free Page B

except you’re addicted to sex. The condition was mentioned on Access Hollywood earlier this week. It’s real.”
    Tiger collects himself and looks out to the group, as Dr. Vanden Fanny continues.
    “Now the next step is to meet your new family. Let’s go around the circle, gang, introduce ourselves to Tiger, and make him feel welcome. Let’s start right here with you, Gene.”
    KISS guitar god Gene Simmons touches his legendary tongue to his forehead before he speaks. “Tiger, great to have you here, brother. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, my man. Sex addiction is perfectly natural. Don’t take my word for it—read the Bible. ‘Spread thy seed . . .’ Old Testament shit. It’s not like I pulled it out of my ass. Richard Gere over there is the only one in this group pulling weird stuff out of his ass.”
    Richard Gere lets out a loud laugh and throws a used cardboard paper towel roll at Simmons in mock protest. Simmons ducks the flying object and continues.
    “Love ya, Richard, you sick fuck! I gotta tell you though, Tiger, it’s a long road to recovery on this thing. Every time I think I’m cured, I catch myself taking the top off my sweet little red Lamborghini and screwing the gas tank. Mmmmmm . . .”
    Simmons sticks out his tongue and mimes the action he’s describing. Dr. Vanden Fanny stops him. “Okay, thanks, Gene. Let’s keep moving. Charlie?”
    Charlie Sheen stands up. “Tiger, good to see you again, man. You may not remember this, but you and I were pounding the same waitress out in Vegas for a while.”
    Woods looks confused and says nothing.
    “Jamie something-or-other? Bellagio? Monster rack?”
    Woods does not respond.
    “Guess she didn’t tell you. Oops. Anyway, hello everyone. I’m Charlie Sheen from America’s #1 comedy Two and a Half Men and I’m still not convinced I’m a sex addict.” The group cannot contain its laughter.
    “No, seriously, guys! I think I might just be an asshole. Like, I’m pretty sure I could stop myself, but I just don’t fucking want to. Can we make up a medical condition to explain that? I-Don’t-Give-a-Shit-itis, maybe?”
    Dr. Vanden Fanny jumps in again. “I assure you, Charlie, as I’ve said many times, there is nothing ‘made up’ about sex addiction. There are a number of Internet blogs dedicated to the subject.”
    Sheen gives the international “jerk off” signal. Dr. Vanden Fanny points to the next person. A bearded man in full military regalia jumps to his feet.
    “El Tigre! I know, I know, you’re surprised to see the great Fidel Castro here with a bunch of amateurs. Thirty-five thousand women and counting, amigo ! What’d you bang—15, 20 broads? That’s a three-day weekend for me!” Castro leans back and extends his arms wide with a big laugh. He enjoys his own material.
    Woods is indeed surprised to see the Cuban leader at the meeting of celebrity sex addicts. Castro stops laughing and a stern look crosses his face.
    “And by the way, Dr. Vanden Fanny, it pisses me right off when you make us salute the photograph of Jack-off Kennedy before every meeting. That guy is supposed to be some kind of big sex symbol? Call me when he gets near 35,000, sweetheart. He banged one movie star. So what? And by the way, J. Edgar Hoover told me he had firsthand proof that Marilyn Monroe was a dude anyway. Long story.
    “Oh, and wait, there’s something else. Wait, what is it again? Oh yeah: I whipped his ass at the Bay of Pigs! Salute that, Vanden Fanny!”
    Dr. Vanden Fanny allows Castro to continue without arguing the point.
    “But this isn’t about me, Tiger. It’s about you. It’s great to have you here with the rest of these horndogs.” Castro points across the circle.
    “I mean, Duchovny over there’s got the hormones of a 16-year-old. And if I catch Angela Lansbury sitting on the washer during spin cycle again, I’m gonna call in the Cuban army to make it stop! Jesucristo!” Lansbury smiles and shrugs at the devilish